Kozlovsky practical psychology for every day. Nikolai Kozlov: How to treat yourself and people, or Practical psychology for every day

The book deals with the problems of family and sex. Analyzing specific situations, the author argues with many ingrained prejudices and shows ways to harmonize relationships in a couple. The book contains practical information: psychological advice and recommendations, tasks of a psychological workshop (with analysis possible solutions), tests for personality traits with exercises to get rid of unwanted traits and develop the right ones.

Book 1. Wisdom in everyday contacts

Part 1. Secrets of family communication

What makes people kind

As for closeness, here we are talking about the closeness of the soul. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts are divided. In the same way, people can talk on the phone thousands of miles away, but at the same time there will be a meeting they will be close to each other like never before.

How does normal family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question "How are you?" when meeting close people can be anything. In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual.

The military salute at the meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, and here the same formality - you have to say "How are you?". To this, the interlocutor will also formally answer: "Normal."

Neither one nor the other soul even flinched: there was a greeting, The meeting did not happen.

Other "How are you?" may be business matter: I need information, and they give it to me. The person here for me is only a source of information, nothing more.

“Well, how are you?”, uttered with the appropriate intonation, can be the beginning of a manipulation game: “Well, I got you,” when the questioner is already sure in advance that something is “not right” here and is going to “embed” about this.

"Hello how are you?" - maybe the beginning of entertainment, with the subtext: "Tell me what you know is interesting." Then a more or less entertaining chatter begins, in which people habitually while away the time.

Well, and, of course, "How are you?" can become a moment of intimacy, a living contact of people who love each other.

"How are you?" here it means: "I'm so glad to see you! Are you all right in your soul?" .

Probably, all these types, forms of communication - rituals, entertainment, and business communication - have the right to exist.

The only thing that is not close to me is manipulation games. Yes, I know people who feel good when others feel bad, but I do not share this joy.

It is another matter, it is important that we always give each other what we need.

Suppose she is bored, she wants to have fun, and he is all on business and on business ... Bad. But on the other hand, suddenly he needs to have a serious talk, and she keeps walking away from the conversation - giggles and hahanki. It will piss him off. And, probably, the most difficult option is when one wants warmth, intimacy, and the other does not give it, replacing it in his communication with either light chatter, then meaningless and boring rituals, then, all the more, injections of manipulation ...

Plus, we must take into account the fact that communication is not only what is said in words. This is the language of actions, looks, touches, steps towards each other or from ...

In this regard, it is interesting to see what sex can be for spouses. Indeed, can sex be just a ritual, a tradition for them? - Of course. So, in many already middle-aged and not inclined to creativity couples, it becomes a routine: Saturday comes, they have dinner, take a shower, lie down, and now they have traditional sexual intimacy. For some, sex may turn out to be entertainment on a rainy autumn day, when there is nothing else to do. Can sex be a business procedure? Yes, for example, a serious procedure in the conception of children. Let's say the spouses have problems with this, they prepared for a long time, calculated the days, and now the spouse, according to all the rules, as it should, performs fertilization ...

Unfortunately, sex can also be a game of manipulation, which will end, for example, with a wonderful phrase: "Will you buy me a fur coat?"

But, probably, people should strive to ensure that for them intimate relationship were in the full sense of the word a manifestation of intimacy, trust, a moment of meeting of two people who love each other.

How close are loved ones?

The experience of intimacy is deeply necessary, apparently, for every person, and everyone suffers from its absence. What stops us from being close?

For real close person is the one who understands us. But it is difficult to understand the Other, and one of the first obstacles I would call EGO-CENTRISM, i.e. inability or unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another person.

In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and everyone can be convinced of this by reproducing the experiment of J. Piaget with children 5-7 years old.

Children sit around round table, they are given everything they need to draw, and there are 3 pyramids on the table: red, blue and green. The task is given: "Draw these pyramids!" This task is easy for children to complete. "Okay, thanks. And now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids the way Masha sees them - she is sitting opposite you. Can you?" - Vanya, without a moment's hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids - just like the first time.

It still cannot occur to him that from the other side of the table, from a different point of view, the same pyramids will look different, and the red one, say, will no longer be on the left, but on the right ...

Children grow up, but egocentrism remains. No, of course, now we already know that each person perceives the same situation in his own way, from his own point of view - but the problem is that we use this knowledge too rarely.

Here is a simple experiment that is often carried out in the practice of family counseling. A husband and wife arrive, but the husband is asked to wait in the hallway. The wife begins to vividly, in detail and figuratively tell how dishonorably and badly her husband behaves. Then the consultant turns to her with a request to describe the situation on behalf of her husband. You should have seen what bewilderment, embarrassment and confusion on the face of his wife. Oh, how she does not want to put herself in the place of her husband and look at the situation and herself through his eyes. "After all, your husband probably would have told about the same thing in a different way. Now we will invite him - how will he talk about it? - Well, he will tell here. I'll tell you how it really happened .. ."

No better (and, most likely, worse) will her husband show himself in a similar situation.

But try it yourself: remember the situation of the last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the one with whom you quarreled! And it’s hard, and you don’t want to, because you look unattractive. The spouses have lived together for more than 10 years, have already managed to quarrel many times, but put themselves in the place of another, look at the family through his eyes, try to understand him - no, there’s time for this, or rather the mind and mental strength was not enough.

Are you ready for such an experiment?

He is not at all difficult for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another even in a quarrel. "This is how I see the problem. How are you?"

Here is another similar experiment that reveals mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, contributes to its improvement. Spouses are given pieces of paper, and they must (each separately from each other) complete unfinished sentences. Which? - For example, the phrase "I value you most of all ..." is suggested - and you need to add 5-10 points, suppose: decency, sense of humor, justice, your salary, love for me, tolerance ... Everyone writes what important to him.

If the couple has a dysfunctional relationship, they are offered, as a rule, the following phrases:

- I am often annoyed in you ...(write quickly and energetically. "May I have more than 10 points?").

- I want you to...(also write without difficulty).

I appreciate in you...(This is already much more complicated. “Can it be less than 5 points?” It seems that they remember something: apparently, what they appreciated in each other before. But a useful question, isn’t it?).

- He doesn't like me... He wants me... He appreciates me...(all of these points go with great difficulty, people with intense interest begin to look at each other, as if for the first time ...).

But it must be warned that it is impossible, for example, to write like "I am annoyed in you by the fact that you are an egoist."

What is meant here? The fact that the husband likes to watch TV, and not to do homework with his son or does nothing around the house? (Or: "And what will he eat in the morning, but won't wash the dishes after himself?") Then, please, write like that. Otherwise, what you wrote is incomprehensible, but it can hurt another.

No one has canceled the old rule: "A person cannot be criticized, only his actions can be criticized (naturally, benevolently and constructively)."

Now, after fulfilling this condition, the spouses can exchange leaflets and discuss what has been written. As a rule, this causes the liveliest interest and violent emotions. Many things become discoveries for them, and if the discussion is directed in a constructive direction, it gives a lot to both.

It is clear that similar experiments can be carried out not only in family counseling and not necessarily in writing. In some simpler and more flexible form, all this can take place within the framework of a normal conversation between spouses.

For example, in the evening we are walking with my wife, and among other conversations, we can play this:

- Let me guess! You value me most of all ... (And if I forget something, my wife will remind me, and I will be pleased. If I name something and meet my wife’s surprised eyes, there will be something to discuss.)

- You want me to "work more with children" - I myself want it. "I went on business trips less often" - and I want the same, but I earn money there, and money is always needed. (And to something I will answer: “No, I have my own plans.”)

- You don’t like me and it’s often annoying that ... (it must be accepted as indisputable that in almost any, the most prosperous and loving couple, there is always something that the other doesn’t like. It’s not at all worth making a secret or a problem "Yes, you don't like something about me. I don't like it about myself, but I can't do anything. Second: you don't like something about me. I'm struggling with this and asking for your help. Otherwise, that this and that annoys you - these are your problems, let's fight your irritation.")

If such conversations become a family tradition, the spouses will never be bored, and spiritual alienation is unlikely to threaten them.

Of course, all this assumes that the spouses know how to talk about such topics and simply listen to each other.

Soul, open up! - Netushki...

Sincere, frank conversations may not occur for every couple. They require a high spiritual culture, readiness to open oneself and listen to another.

It is even more difficult when one of the spouses, in principle, is not talkative, not prone to frankness. More often it is the husband. Pull it: "Come on, tell me!" is stupid and pointless. It’s better to feed him after work (it’s good to sit in front of him and look at him quietly, lovingly, without pestering), let him rest, then sit next to him, snuggle up and make it clear that everything is interesting to you ... “Are you tired today? hard day, huh? A rare husband then grumbles, more often begins to talk.

Well, if he began to share, all attention must be given to him, bow his head, nod, assent - and God forbid he object or give advice ("Be more careful next time!"), make comments for his mistakes ("What are you slammed it, you bastard?"). Moreover, you cannot use the information that you have been entrusted with against him. It opened - you "hit". Will it open again? - Not.

One family I know is Old Believers, husband and wife confess to each other there. I keep thinking: how many families could decide on this? And what would it lead to?

The fact that people are afraid to open up is understandable. You yourself can feel the problems behind this with your whole skin by doing such a thought experiment.

Imagine that your whole life, at least your conscious life, is filmed: a film is made about your life. Moreover, not only all external events are there - what you did, where you went, with whom you talked about what - all your thoughts and feelings are also captured in the film.

Interestingly, in a sense, such films about everyone's life exist. When neurosurgeons performed operations on the brain and irritated its deep structures through implanted electrodes, a variety of pieces, episodes of his life, starting from early childhood. It turns out that a person never forgets anything, and everything that he has ever seen, heard, perceived - everything is recorded, as it were, on a small internal video recorder.

Now imagine that the scientists tensed up and managed to transfer the film from this internal tape recorder to an ordinary VCR cassette. And now you have cassettes with video films on your shelf at home: the video film "The Life of a Wife" (and there is everything that she thought and thinks about you), "The Life of a Husband", "The Life of a Child" ...

Interesting remarks can be in such a family: "Immediately put my life back on the shelf!"

Question: Do you agree to show your film (whole, uncut!) to your wife, if she wishes? ... By the way, what about the child? Would you like to watch your wife's film (and know everything about her after that)? Movie baby? Do you think your wife would like to see your film? How about showing you mine? Why?

The only point on which most families are unanimous is that everyone would like to see the child's film and everyone objects to the child seeing the parents' film. As for the husband-wife relationship, the answers are very different. There are no strict statistics, but, as a rule, the picture is as follows.

A small part of the respondents are simply confused, they find it difficult to decide - to show? No? give a look? not give? - and they do not give definite answers.

Many firmly state that none of this is necessary. And I won’t show mine, and I don’t want to watch it. No need.

Apparently, their life-tested slogan: "The less you know, you sleep better."

A significant part (also, as a rule, resolutely and categorically) says this: "I won't show my own, but I would look at it: you must be in the know!"

A minority (for some reason, more often people are quiet and a little sad, more often women) answer in a different way: “I’ll show my own what’s there, but I’m afraid to look at it. While we live normally, but I’ll see something not right there ... No, you don't have to."

And very few give out unexpected reactions. They are simply surprised: “What does it have to do with films? It is customary in our family even without films - we all know about each other. I am aware of everything that he had and has. What is in my life and in my soul - I I tell him. We have no secrets from each other."

All these families exist. They are very different. But the question arises: "Which of them are the strongest?" I would like to answer that the strongest are families with the greatest frankness. Alas, it is not. Observations show that both frank and "closed" families break up with approximately equal probability.

In one family, the spouses are frank, frank, and openly confessed - they had to leave. You can fully open up only with completely mentally healthy people - and how many of them do you know?

And the other family lives simply: the husband brings money, does not go to the side, the wife runs the household, raises children, loves her husband. And so they live: without any unnecessary frank conversations. Who thinks what, what he feels - no one is particularly interested, and no one says anything superfluous himself. And everything is fine, the family is good, strong.

But another question can be posed: “And if there are two equally strong families, but in one frank, sincere conversations are accepted, and in the other they are not, in which family will there be more closeness, warmth, love, happiness?” Here we can already say with more confidence - rather, in the one where the spouses are open to each other. Openness, frankness gives understanding and intimacy, and without understanding and intimacy it is difficult to imagine love and true happiness.

From the frequency of repetition, the truth is not erased: "Happiness is when you are understood."

strong and happy families— is not the same thing. There are strong families, but without warmth and happiness, and there are happy, but fragile ones. Of course, perfect option: build strong relationships in the family and, on their basis, cultivate an atmosphere of warm, trusting communication. It is not a shame to invite both love and happiness to such a family.

One way or another, everyone will agree that trust in the family is a great value, it must be created and protected.

Who is being told the truth?

Everything will be clear from the examples.

The husband happily tells his wife that they have a new employee at work - smart, knows the job very well, and most importantly - a great person - cheerful, sweet and, by the way, outwardly pretty ... And for some reason the wife is not happy and, moreover , begins to let go of taunts against her husband. Sooner or later he will feel it - so what? Apparently, he will remain with his thoughts, but he will move away from his wife: she does not understand him here.

But short story: "Cranberries in sugar".

I went for a walk with my friends. We see that cranberries in sugar are sold (I couldn’t believe my eyes!) - a pink childhood memory ... Nevertheless, I am indifferent to it, but my friends caught fire, but it turns out that cranberries are sold only with a "load". The guys were sad - why do they need some more canned food in their own juice? It's good that I know my rights, how to use them too. I went up to the saleswoman, talked to her for a minute, everything is fine: she sold three packs to the guys, as they wanted. I, satisfied, come home and, joyful, tell my wife everything ...

Her reaction: "Cranberries in sugar... My favorite... And you didn't buy it? How could you?!" - and looks at me as an enemy of the people.

In my opinion, this is a completely normal, natural reaction. But does it make it easier for me?

My reaction: “Allochka, well, I was wrong. But if you look at me like that, I still won’t become a person who never makes mistakes. But one or two more such situations, and I just won’t tell you what happens to me and when. I don't like it when you look at me like this (showed how), but I like it more when you look at me like this (also showed how)."

How difficult it is - not to destroy frankness, not to provoke a lie with my impulsive reaction - I know from myself. I love my wife. But, in particular, my love for her is manifested in the fact that I want her to do exercises. The main thing is that we have already discussed this with her more than once, she agrees and even promised. Nevertheless, I come home in the evening, I ask her: "Did you do exercises today?" She replies, "No." What should I do? If I start to be indignant, say: "Well, how is it, after all, you promised!" and other fair, but unpleasant things for her, what will happen the next day? I'll ask her: "Did you exercise?" She will say yes. And in fact? - Did not do. She's lying, but who's to blame? - I.

Or a problem with children. They will come running from the street, wet to the ears and with bruises: "Did you fight? - Fight." Scold - the next day they will come running the same, but to the question "Did you fight?" They will answer: "No, they fell." They lie, and who teaches them to lie? — Parents.

And if sometimes girls ask me: "But why is my young man lying to me all the time?" (quite a typical question) - I immediately see what her eyes are like. And if I see that lightning is hidden in the eyes, they will incinerate a little, then, apparently, the answer is clear.

That's when she becomes a person to whom it is not dangerous to tell the truth, then they will begin to tell her the truth.

LIE TO THOSE TO WHOM IT IS DANGEROUS TO TELL THE TRUTH

Not a drop of cold, sharp, evil!

"Don't be afraid, please, Doctor Leo!
He will look into the throat of the little animal first
And write out an urgent prescription for the patient:
Pills, medicine and a warm word,
Compress, rinse and a kind word,
Mustard plasters, banks and a gentle word,
- Not a drop of cold, sharp, evil!
Without a kind word, without a warm word,
Without a gentle word, the patient is not treated!"

Yunna Moritz

I would hang these verses in all clinics, in all schools and in every home - after all, each of us is "sick" in our own way, and each of us cannot "have a drop of cold, sharp, evil."

And now let me ask you this question: "Do you admit that you can ever hit a close, dear person? Push? Prick? Give a kick? Crack your head against the wall? Smear your face on the table?"

Sorry, I forgot one word - not physically, but mentally! That is, with a look, words, intonation ...

If I understand correctly, then most intelligent people believe that this is quite acceptable, at least they allow themselves this.

After all, he did not hit, but only said. Don't hit, don't hit!

And, without really thinking, we can once hurt a close (especially distant) person (morally), crush (psychologically), destroy (morally), incinerate with a glance, torment with silence, torment with uncertainty, trample on direct speech, shoot with epithets, and Under this at all not consider themselves an executioner. Not physically, but mentally. We know perfectly well that it hurts no less, but rather even more. But this just suits us, we want to inject more painfully. And when I hear: "Killing you is not enough!" - I believe that this is not just a metaphor: all this is being done.

Look at your family with this look: what pictures will appear? What is swearing, if not an ordinary scuffle? Are you participating in this massacre?

Swearing is an ordinary scuffle. ARE YOU PARTICIPATED IN THIS?

But let's first take a look at some everyday little things, at least how we talk to each other.

Kostya and Lida: everyday little things

We walk in the autumn park: my wife and I and our friends - Kostya and Lida, a married couple. We are talking about nothing, but suddenly she turns to him: "There is a toilet, run, otherwise you always have problems ..." She has such a sense of humor, and she is with strangers.

You don't need that kind of humor!

Kostya has a brother Volodya, he often visits them, and Lida is friends with him. Suddenly Kostya remembered:

- Yes, Lid, you know, Volodya's birthday is tomorrow!

"Why didn't you say it before?"

Reproach... - and the point is not even whether it is deserved or not. This is a reproach-blow-kick to her husband - instead of gratitude for what he suggested, instead of joy that tomorrow there may be a holiday.

- Listen, Lid, let's wave to them tomorrow, congratulate, sit down well ...

- Look how smart you are, but where will I put the child?

- Well, let me talk to your mom, maybe she will sit?

“She’s already working, there’s no need to hang a child around her neck.”

- Yah you! Will you ever agree? (pouted, shut up...)

I wonder if comments are needed here? Almost in a word - objections, ridicule, accusations. The funny thing is that it is issued even without irritation, as the norm of communication. Kostya's final insult is no smarter than Lida's previous reactions.

- Well, where are you in a puddle, you can’t carry a stroller like normal people?

I'm interested in:

- Listen, if Kostya were not your husband, but your lover, would you tell him so?

- Of course not, but this is a husband ...

No need for your husband to comment! At least in this form and in this tone.

Indeed, it is interesting: she negative emotions, just that, go directly, without delay. The brakes are off: after all, they are already married, why take care of yourself!

A vivid situation is described in the book by V.I. Zatsepin "Married Life". The man tells why (among other reasons) he divorced: "I wake up in the morning, my mood is great. I rise on my elbow, I want to kiss my wife, - suddenly sharply dissatisfied:" Oh, well, it hurts! "It turns out that I pressed and pulled her by the hair ... Yes, my current mistress will take off all her hair at all, if only I was with her!

We are at Kostya and Lida's dacha. Lida was itching and itching about the fact that Kostya had not stood in line for cement: when will they bring it again! Kostya remained silent, and it seemed to me that all this was like peas against the wall. But suddenly he cursed at her: got it, they say. Everyone around was indignant: what incontinence! Of course he was wrong. But it’s interesting: the fact that his wife ate his bald head is not seen by anyone, everyone considers it normal. And when he couldn't stand it, he's to blame.

No need to itch, grumble and nag! Whoever does this - he saws not a spouse, but family relationships.

Kostya, as he claims, comes to the dacha to rest. And indeed, although he sometimes works on the site and takes a walk with the child, objectively he is less involved in country affairs than others. The mother-in-law (her dacha) is unhappy with her son-in-law, and does not hide this.

I keep thinking: if he leaves, will the mother-in-law cope with country affairs easier or more difficult? Let at least a little, but he helps, and at least a little, but he is engaged with the child (by the way, not bad). Why is help not appreciated, but only irritation is visible from the fact that he could do more?

Kostya is not very diplomatic, and his next conversation with his mother-in-law ends with a remark to Lida: "It's impossible to live with your parents!"

I think that if he graduated not from a vocational school, but cadet corps, the same thought would have sounded differently for him: "Lida, dear, I appreciate your parents, but I can't build relationships with them."

Well, the last thing I should note: both Kostya and Lida are not shy about expressing unflattering assessments of each other both in front and behind the back.

Well, "See a break in the eye of your neighbor, you don’t see in yours below the beam ..." The wish on this score was developed, probably, from the moment the family and writing appeared: "Try not to speak badly about anyone, especially about your spouse" . Also, remember the hard: "I was and will be you a good husband but if you consider me a bad husband, you will not have any husband."

Is it possible to do without swearing at all?

The hardest part of communication is swearing. Swearing is aggressive and sluggish, on business and without, from morning to evening. Is it possible to live in a family without swearing?

I'm sure you can. Indeed, just as any situation can be made "abusive", so in any situation you can do without rudeness.

In our family, swearing is equated with assault and is therefore prohibited. We can be dissatisfied with each other, but we cannot swear. Anything that is spoken harshly can be said tactfully.

For example, the wife put her boots on the battery. Husband saw:

– Are you thinking or not?! Who puts wet boots on the battery? They will dry out in no time, and buying new ones - I'm not a Rockefeller and I don't want to hunchback.

I think this is the start of a fight. And here is another option:

- You put your boots on the radiator, in my opinion, you risk ...

– What is it?

- Yes, everywhere they write that if you want shoes to serve you not for a month, but still longer, never dry them on a radiator. You just need to stuff newspapers inside, it's better that way.

“Sunny, won’t you do all this?”

- Good. (This is an intonation from the series "Do not like it - do it yourself")

ANYTHING THAT SAYS RUDE CAN BE SAID TACTICALLY

Psychological workshop

For the wife: how do you contact your husband about the store?

- Go to the shop. Need to buy...

- Would you deign to tear yourself away from the TV and at least go for bread? You must have a conscience, and not make a horse out of your wife ...

- You don't go to the store? I'd like to cook something tastier for dinner...

What is your choice? Why? How does your husband feel about your choice? Maybe he has some wishes?

For a husband: you come home, you want to eat, you look into the kitchen - there is pristine cleanliness on the table. How do you address your wife about dinner?

- Let's eat!

- (you yourself will begin to cook or warm up food for yourself, purposely rattling the dishes so that your wife becomes ashamed).

- I'm so hungry, hungry ... Can't we find something to eat there?

- Are you tired? Let me feed you!

Your choice? Why?

But why, if possible without swearing - on the contrary, warmly and humanly - why are quarrels so frequent? What generates them?

One of the most serious reasons that generates discontent in the family and scatters spouses "on different sides of the barricades" is ingratitude.

About gratitude and vice versa

What is the harmful feature of our soul - why do we notice the bad in the first place? Why do the shortcomings of the spouse climb into the eyes, and not his dignity? Why do we not appreciate the good that he does (or at least tries to do) for us?

The wife is late, she comes later than her husband, he is hungry.

- Where was it?

- You know, I was late in the store, I was standing in line ...

- You might as well not stand!

So the wife is bad. (Obviously audible subtext: "Fool" and "engaged in stupid things"). And the fact that she cares about her husband, about the family? ... The minus is noticed, the plus is not. Yes, the husband is hungry, respectively angry, but after such a conversation, the wife will also become angry.

The wife complains about her husband, talks about how badly and clumsily he washes the floor. What do I think about this?

Firstly, it is not smart that she swears - this will discourage the desire to wash the floor, and, perhaps, the desire to live with her. In any case, it is obvious that swearing is not The best way teach him how to clean floors. And, secondly, how often do you meet your husband washing the floors?

Yes, he bought bad meat and forgot to buy bread, but he goes shopping! Yes, he did not wash the dishes after he fed himself and the children, but he fed himself and the children!

Yes, the wife is slow, the wife is a bitch, but she tries to do everything as best as possible! Yes, my wife's figure deteriorated after childbirth, but she gave birth to children for you!

"What we have, we do not appreciate..."

There was no sadness - they got married ...

Interesting: a sharp increase in ingratitude, as a rule, begins from the moment of marriage. Indeed, we will analyze two similar situations, but one before and the other after marriage.

Before: he came to visit her, she asks him: "Oh, you know, we ran out of bread. Don't you run away?" He: "What are we talking about! Now, in a moment!" - He ran, brought a loaf of bread, she meets him: "You are so sweet, caring ... Thank you!" (kisses). He is pleased - he did a little, but it turned out well.

Now After: the husband went to the market (more precisely, he was sent to the market), brings 20 kg of potatoes. Tired. He opens the door, his wife meets him: "What is so petty? .." - with a displeased intonation. And that's all he hears.

All! The fact that he spent time, energy - this is now not noticed. He is a husband! He must! And if he must, then he reports, and he is reprimanded.

And if the potatoes are small, or expensive, or of poor quality, or "where did you wander for so long", or "why didn't you buy carrots" - all this will now be expressed to him.

That is, now that he is married, he does objectively more for her, for the family, but receives less! Not even less, in general it gets in a different place! And he doesn't like it because it's unfair!

But maybe only wives treat their husbands this way, and husbands treat their wives differently? No matter how! She cooks breakfast for him, sometimes lunch, always dinner, and her husband eats and his eyes glow with gratitude? Instead of a thank you, the wife hears only: "Every day is the same. When will you learn to cook?" She washes him, darns, irons, he: "Well, why did you wash it so badly?" She cleans the apartment, often after him, he comes, looks around with an appraising look: "What kind of mess do you have? If you clean it, you still do nothing!" - and this is all that she will hear in gratitude for her work.

After that, I don't want to do anything. And he does not, or does worse, without a soul, respectively, giving reasons for fair criticism. And off we go...

What to do?

Don't you think the answer lies on the surface? See how simple everything was: everything was so good until they got married, and it got so bad after they did. So what needs to be done, more precisely, what should not be done? - Don't get married!

Of course, this is a joke. But after all, in every joke there is a share of a joke, and the rest is true. Indeed, what if you don't get married?

That is, since you are serious people, then go, register your relationship, let everyone consider you husband and wife, and you know for yourself that in fact nothing has changed between you, you remain free people.

And as she treated him before, so let her treat him after - after all, he did not become her husband, did not become her property. The same applies to him. And let them live as a family, not considering that the other now has additional responsibilities. You have them, others don't.

Let the husband think like this: "If I love my wife and want us to have good family, I should. And my wife doesn’t owe me anything.” And let the wife think the same way: “My husband doesn’t owe me anything. But if I want to have a husband and a family, I must."

Like this? And is it good?

Here is another situation. I wake up early in the morning, I need to quickly get ready: I'm flying on a business trip. I understand that I don’t have time anymore: things are not all packed yet, but it would be nice to have breakfast. My wife is lying down, but she could probably get up and help me ... I am already ready to express my reproaches to her, but I immediately stop myself: “Does this woman, your beloved wife, owe you something? you want her to get up and help you, what should you do?” “...It's good to ask her: so that she wants to help you.” And if she gets up and does everything, what will her husband have to say to her? - Thanks. And if he doesn’t get up (“I didn’t get enough sleep, the child didn’t let me sleep all night”), what should the husband do? At least not to be offended, and maybe even apologize for the trouble.

I wonder if wives would like to have such husbands? - A husband who will always turn to her only in a kind way, will never reproach her, but will thank her for her help and care from the bottom of her heart? Yes, many people dream of such a husband. But, probably, then husbands would also like to have such wives.

Imagine: a husband goes home - and is not afraid to go home, because his wife never swears! Why swear something: after all, he owes her nothing. And always grateful for the good.

Yes, just a husband came home - this is a gift. The appearance of the husband home is a real family holiday!

What, isn't it? Joking aside, just imagine for a moment that your husband, even if not ideal, is no longer in the world and he will never appear on your doorstep again ...

So, maybe it really makes sense to try: not to swear - not to get married?

Instead of swearing

There are a few more tips to help you avoid quarrels. For example: "If you don't like it, don't swear, but help."

Indeed, it is rare that a husband or wife does something badly intentionally. More often there is another reason: either fatigue, or inability. So what's the point in arguing? It is better to help: teach if you don’t know how, prompt if you don’t know, or just help if the other person doesn’t have enough time or energy.

The next rule is a little more difficult. I myself did not like it at first, it seemed tough, not cordial. I took a closer look - no, it does not interfere with loving each other, but saves from quarrels. The rule is this: “If you don’t like it, don’t swear, don’t reproach another, but do whatever you want and how you want.”

This rule works simply. My wife does not like, for example, how I wash the dishes - what's the matter, dear, wash it yourself: the way you want! But in another case: for example, I am constantly outraged by the mess in our refrigerator - everything is piled up, mixed up, as a result, a lot of things spoil. Well, you can't do that! He just wanted to chastise his wife, but then he remembered the rule.

I do not like? Take it, darling, and do it the way you like it. Organize your fridge the way you want.

Children run around in wet tights, fight, but no one cares about them. Where's the wife? And what's the matter, dear, the one who is dissatisfied can help the one with whom he is dissatisfied.

And everything will be all right: no swearing.

DON'T SCORE, BUT HELP OR DO IT YOURSELF

Leave irritation behind the threshold

Another typical cause of squabbles in the family is the fatigue and irritation of the spouses.

The husband wiped the floor (behind the child) and, without thinking, threw the doormat into kitchen sink. His wife told him ... He took out a rag, carried it where it was necessary, rinsed the sink, and his wife still swears ... Why are you hitting him? For being tired?

Yes, it’s hard not to break loose: any reason infuriates when your soul is already twisted, when you are tired and annoyed. But you can’t break loose, and it’s also annoying ...

What can be done here? This is how I answer this question for myself.

First, you need to notice your irritation in time. You walk down the street, look at the faces: if you see nice, good, kind people, everything is in order, the soul is set up correctly. If, as if on purpose, people with such faces are selected around that it is disgusting to look at: ugly, evil - stop! It is unlikely that yesterday there were some people around you, and today they are completely different. Most likely, you are tired (or getting sick), in short - annoyed. Understood. Be careful: if everything seems to you in a "black light" even at home, this is no longer good.

Therefore, when you open the door and enter the house, hurry up and kiss your wife - this is the best cure for a bad mood. If she responds to your warmth in the same way, the soul will be filled with warmth, irritation will pass. Didn't work - try again.

If the bad mood still doesn’t go away and you still want to bite, you need to go back to your wife, but this time ask her: “I have a big request for you. I feel bad or tired, in short, angry and irritated.” "I'll try to restrain myself, but if I suddenly break loose - do not be offended, please! I will try. But you, please, try to be condescending to me today. Okay?"

Doesn't he take it into account? Most likely, you will meet understanding. You look, and it will do without lightning discharges.

In addition, I will never enter into any contacts in the family and will not start doing anything until I put myself in order. It is better to lie down in complete relaxation for 10 minutes and then go about your business than to get tired of getting involved in a scandal, showdown and then “lick your wounds” until nightfall. On the other hand, if I see that my wife is in a tired and abusive mood, I will not let her into any business. I'll take her, put her under the shower, let her come to her senses, and then we can do housework with her.

There is a tradition in India: when a tired husband comes home from work, the wife takes off his sandals and gives him a foot massage. After that, the husband is cheerful and loving. Of course, this is possible only in India, it is impossible here. Yes?!

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, CLEAN YOURSELF AND OTHERS

Without warning - do not shoot!

Next important point, preventing a quarrel, is the most common warning. Do not accumulate irritation, if you don’t like something, say so. Not rudely, humanly, but say - do not be silent!

third joke

Our familiar married couple again. Kostya also likes to joke. Once he joked with Lida - it’s funny to him, but she doesn’t. Two joked - and she clenched her teeth. Three joked, and she unclenched her teeth ... She told him everything she thought about him (bad). In general, it didn't work out great. We quarreled.

He, of course, is wrong, but, apparently, if she had immediately warned him of her mood, would he really not have stopped?

Kostya after proctology

Kostya was in proctology - hemorrhoids. Nothing, anything can happen. After some time, we had a conversation with him. He (sadly):

- I'm going to leave Linda.

- Why?

– (named several reasons, among them:) Imagine, after all, after the hospital I need diet food, and she doesn’t cook anything special! I bled from this for two months, did not heal! Well, what do you say to that?

“Did you tell her that you need to eat differently now?”

“Here, I have to figure it out myself.

Like this. She gave him for two months what it was impossible to give, he ate it for two months, was silent and angry. Angry and silent.

DON'T KEEP ANXITION.
SOMETHING DON'T LIKE - DON'T BE SILENT, SAY ABOUT IT

Let's look at a more typical situation. The wife decided to put the house in order, cleaned everything, and, most importantly, washed the floors to a shine. Tired. Suddenly the husband comes and, of course, without hesitation, walks in dirty boots on the clean floor. The wife has a rag in her hands. What will she do?

Her feelings are understandable. But, on the other hand, what did the husband get for? Is he on purpose? How does he know? Did you warn him? Did you ask? - Apologize to him.

"I must understand myself!" you might say. No, this is the path to conflict. If everything is clear to you, do not hope that the other person will understand everything and provide for it. It is important for you - do not be lazy, warn! If you didn't warn me, blame yourself.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU - WARN.
DID NOT WARN - SCORE YOURSELF

Don't hit the victim

A common situation: someone, husband or wife, accidentally did something stupid and seriously let the other down, caused material or other damage to the family. How to react to it?

For example, the husband lost 1000 rubles. Dear wives, what is your reaction? (For whom 1,000 rubles is not money, the amount increases to 10,000 or more rubles, or even dollars ...)

Gathering about it" public opinion"Women, I met with a great variety of views.

Worthy of attention, apparently, is the answer of one energetic lady: "I'll eat it." Pupil graduation class, probably a humanist, thoughtfully said: "Well, I won't kill him ..." See how kind she is - she won't kill.

On the other hand, in my heart and memory I still have the story of one middle-aged teacher. “I had such a situation. It was a long time ago, when money was valuable, but we didn’t have it. I had the last ruble left in my pocket, there’s no one else to borrow from. I’m waiting for my husband with a salary. Suddenly the door opens, my husband enters, pale, face elongated. "You know, I lost my entire salary - 100 rubles." Something seemed to break inside me ... But it escaped towards him: "Let's go to the cinema!" He told me: "You don't understand - I lost all my pay, we don’t have any more money! "I:" No, I understand, but I have a ruble. "And we went to the cinema. He remembered this situation to me later all his life (in good sense)! Sometimes he asked: “What, didn’t you feel sorry for the money? - Well, yes, it’s still a pity ...”

It seems to me that this woman acted wisely.

I remember how at the age of about 12 I was sent to the market and I lost 10 rubles. I walked around the house for two hours: I was afraid that they would scold me!

Or another case: we were on a camping trip with my parents (parents took care of our development with my sister), I went to cut wood and hacked my leg with an axe. Then it turned out - it's okay, they were only hurt soft tissues and in a few weeks everything healed, and then I watched the blood flow, cried, imagined myself as an invalid, but sat, not responding to hooting, for about 40 minutes! I was afraid to go out to my parents, because I was beaten with abuse for my mistakes.

And after that, I vowed to myself that everything would be different in my family, and where understanding and sympathy are required, it will be.

Indeed, let's consider. If a husband has lost some money, is this a total loss? Yes. But who is more worried? The one who lost the money, in this case the husband. But if the family has a common loss, and one of the spouses is experiencing more, what should the other, loving, do? Comfort, soothe, give emotional support.

By the way, the more one has lost, the more... Yes, the more emotional support he has the right to count on.

My wife would try to scold me if I lost money! "I feel so bad already, and are you sure that these are the words I need from you right now?" Either way, I would have stopped her. But even if the wife turns out to be the culprit of the loss of money, then it will be the same as in the situation that I already cited at the beginning of the book.

How to treat yourself and people, or practical psychology for every day

Nikolai Kozlov

Instead of a preface

Three stories - like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: perhaps they, better than any long prefaces, will present some aspects of its content and tone?

Injury

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the head of an aircraft modeling circle. During shift changes, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to circular saw make rails. The block fell off, and the hand flew over the screeching disk. Further - in slow motion: I see - something bloody dangles below the palm, the fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts well then: “I cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I made a mistake - I only lost my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses? live happily ever after."

He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to go and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout loudly, but in a calm voice: "Come to me! Help! I cut my hand!" He approached, lay down on the grass and gave clear orders to those who ran up: "Two plastic bags and ice - fast"

(to pack the hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation).

"To Moscow - quickly!" On the way, I sang songs, it distracted both me and those accompanying me ... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything.

According to my impressions, the most calm and sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors) was me.

Apartment keys

And suddenly… Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check it.

Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Any!"

There was a tense silence in response. I was also a little taken aback: conversations - conversations, and then a man offers the keys to the apartment ... But it’s interesting to me too, I ask: “Girls, are there any who want it?”

And suddenly ... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.

There is nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family has been born in our club.

Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. Here they also discussed how they should live now, or rather learn how to live as a family. The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had studio apartment.

But important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left classes together, came to the next lesson together ... We do not ask them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came up to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: "You know, we family life I liked it very much. We don’t have any conflicts: we played so many of them in the Club that we don’t want to do it at home. True, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going to the kitchen for the night. I have a feeling that we just opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried in ourselves just splashed out on each other. We love each other so much!"

Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Alla and glasses

Those who wear glasses know how difficult it was until recently to find a good frame.

We have been looking for a decent frame for my wife Allochka for a long time. Suddenly they bring us an Italian one, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is high. No, we are not poor, but we are not millionaires, that's for sure. We walk around, think - and want, and prick ...

And then the doorbell rings. What? Angry neighbors burst in from the bottom floor, it turns out that we flooded them, and they just did overhaul. We filled in the bathroom, part of the kitchen, the hallway, and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just covered with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are indignant, the wife is crying. They demand money for repairs, there is no need to argue. I give the money (from the just received salary), the wife cries even louder. Neighbors, cursing, leave. I see them off, return to my wife and say: “That's it, this issue is no longer discussed. We take glasses for you.

HOW TO TREAT YOURSELF AND PEOPLE, OR PRACTICAL PSYCHOLOGY FOR EVERY DAY

Nikolay KOZLOV

Dedicated to my father

Instead of a preface

Three stories - like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: perhaps they, better than any long prefaces, will present some aspects of its content and tone?

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the head of an aircraft modeling circle. During shift changes, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make slats on a circular saw. The block fell off, and the hand flew over the screeching disk. Further - in slow motion: I see - something bloody dangles below the palm, the fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts then very well: “I cut off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I made a mistake - I only lost my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses? live happily ever after."
He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to go and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout loudly, but in a calm voice: "Come to me! Help! I cut my hand!" He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear orders to those who ran up: "Two plastic bags and ice - quickly"
(to pack the hand in the cold - I was hoping for microsurgery).
"To Moscow - quickly!" On the way, I sang songs, it distracted both me and those accompanying me ... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything.
According to my impressions, the most calm and sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors) was me.

Apartment keys

The characters in the following story met at my club five years ago. Once in a class, I develop one of my favorite theses that any two people can create a family, if only they have a desire, and they do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love can both help and hinder them, and in principle is not required. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.
And suddenly ... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check this.
Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Any!"
There was a tense silence in response. I, too, was a little taken aback: conversations - conversations, and then a man offers the keys to the apartment ... But it’s interesting to me too, I ask: “Girls, are there any who want it?”
And suddenly... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."
We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.
There is nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family has been born in our club.
Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. Here they also discussed how they should live now, or rather learn how to live as a family. The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.
But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left classes together, came to the next lesson together ... We don't ask them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came up to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we played so many of them in the Club that we don’t want to do it at home. However, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going to kitchen. I feel like we just opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried in ourselves just poured out on each other. We love each other so much! "
Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Alla and glasses

Those who wear glasses know how difficult it was until recently to find a good frame.
We have been looking for a decent frame for my wife Allochka for a long time. Suddenly they bring us an Italian one, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is high. No, we are not poor, but we are not millionaires, that's for sure. We walk around, think - and we want, and prickly ...
And then the doorbell rings. What? Enraged neighbors burst in from the lower floor, it turns out that we flooded them, and they just did a major overhaul. We filled in the bathroom, part of the kitchen, the hallway, and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just covered with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are indignant, the wife is crying. They demand money for repairs, there is no need to argue. I give the money (from the just received salary), the wife cries even louder. Neighbors, cursing, leave. I see them off, return to my wife and say: “That's it, this issue is no longer discussed. We take glasses for you.
Why? Because the person is bad. And he should be fine.

Now, let's get to know each other.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I am 33 years old (in my heart I feel like 19 years old), I am a psychologist and a husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife's name is Alla (I have it "Miracle") - We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, wait. Outwardly, they are very similar to each other, both are lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart.
Vanya is closer to me, Sasha is closer to Allochka. At work - I conduct psychological groups, give lectures, consult. I love my job and can hardly imagine life without it. Listening to confessions and feeling that even if not immediately, but you can help a person, is nice. Seeing how people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work is a great happiness. A significant place in my life and in this book is occupied by the youth club, but about it - later. I can only say that without it my book would never have been written.

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. It's fun because it's from the heart. Seriously, so that I don't feel ashamed in front of the people I respect and who still respected me.
I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; a popular book, not a scientific one. In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I somehow used, not always referring to them. I constantly had a fear that if I made references to every sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: "Collective intelligence." I wrote not for psychologists, but for all the rest, who care little about the problem of authorship. True, I did not refer to one person so often that I must immediately name him: Arkady Petrovich Egides, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in family and sexology. Actually, it was thanks to him that I began to take shape as a practicing psychologist. And the last. To be precise, under this cover are four separate books, completely different not only in topic and content, but also in style, tone, language.

WISDOM IN DAILY CONTACTS

Part 1. Secrets of family communication

What makes people kind

It is always interesting to observe how, from what bricks communication in the family is formed. For example, it can be both a pleasant entertainment, and a traditional ritual, and business communication, and evil manipulation, and live contact, intimacy. As for closeness, here we are talking about the closeness of the soul. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts are separated. In the same way, people can talk on the phone thousands of miles away, but at the same time there will be a Meeting, they will be closer to each other than ever. How does normal family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question "How are you?" when meeting close people can be anything. In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual. The military salute at the meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, and here the same formality - you have to say "How are you?" The interlocutor will also formally answer this. "Fine". Neither one nor the other soul even flinched: there was a greeting, The meeting did not happen. Other "How are you?" can be a business question: I need information, and they give it to me. The person here for me is only a source of information, nothing more. “Well, how are you?”, uttered with the appropriate intonation, can be the beginning of a manipulation game: “Well, I got you,” when the questioner is already sure in advance that something is “not right” here and is going to “embed” about this. "Hello how are you?" - maybe the beginning of entertainment, with the subtext: "Tell me what you know is interesting." Then a more or less entertaining chatter begins, in which people habitually while away the time. Well, and, of course, "How are you?" can become a moment of intimacy, a living contact of people who love each other.
"How are you?" here it means: "I'm so glad to see you! Are you all right in your soul?" . Probably, all these types, forms of communication - and rituals, and entertainment, and business communication - have the right to exist.
The only thing that is not close to me is manipulation games. Yes, I know people who feel good when others feel bad, but this joy is incomprehensible to me.
It is another matter, it is important that we always give each other what we need.
Suppose she is bored, she wants to have fun, and he is all on business and on business ... Bad. But on the other hand - all of a sudden he needs to have a serious talk, and she keeps walking away from the conversation - giggles and hahanki. It will piss him off.
Well, and, probably, the most difficult option is when one wants warmth, intimacy, and the other does not give it, replacing it in his communication either with light chatter, then with meaningless and boring rituals, then, all the more, with injections of manipulation ...
Plus, we must take into account the fact that communication is not only what is said in words. This is the language of actions, looks, touches, steps towards each other. In this regard, it is interesting to see what sex can be for spouses.
Indeed, can sex be just a ritual, a tradition for them? - Of course. So, in many already middle-aged and not inclined to creativity couples, it becomes a routine: Saturday comes, they have dinner, take a shower, lie down, and now they have traditional sexual intimacy. For some, sex can be entertainment on a rainy autumn day, when there is nothing else to do. Can sex be a business procedure? Yes, for example, a serious procedure in the conception of children. Let's say that spouses have problems with this, they prepared for a long time, calculated the days, and now the spouse, according to all the rules, as it should, performs fertilization ... Unfortunately, sex can also be a manipulation game that ends, for example, with a wonderful phrase: "Will you buy me a fur coat?" But, probably, people should strive to ensure that for them intimate relationships are in the full sense of the word a manifestation of closeness, trust, a moment of meeting of two people who love each other.

How close are loved ones?

The experience of intimacy is deeply necessary, apparently, for every person, and everyone suffers from its absence. What stops us from being close?
A truly close person is someone who understands us. But to understand the Other is difficult, and one of the first obstacles I would call EGO-CENTRISM, i.e. inability or unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another person.
In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and everyone can be convinced of this by reproducing the experiment of J. Piaget with children 5-7 years old.
Children are seated around a round table, they are given everything they need to draw, and there are 3 pyramids on the table: red, blue and green. The task is given: "Draw these pyramids!" This task is easy for children to complete.
"Okay, thanks. And now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids the way Masha sees them - she is sitting opposite you. Can you?" - Vanya, without a moment's hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids - just like the first time.
It still cannot occur to him that from the other side of the table, from a different point of view, the same pyramids will look different, and the red one, say, will no longer be on the left, but on the right ...
Children grow up, but egocentrism remains. No, of course, now we already know that each person perceives the same situation in his own way, from his own point of view - but the problem is that we use this knowledge too rarely.
Here is a simple experiment that is often carried out in the practice of family counseling. A husband and wife arrive, but the husband is asked to wait in the hallway.
The wife begins to vividly, in detail and figuratively tell how dishonorably and badly her husband behaves. Then the consultant turns to her with a request to describe the situation on behalf of her husband. You should have seen what bewilderment, embarrassment and confusion on the face of his wife. Oh, how she does not want to put herself in the place of her husband and look at the situation and herself through his eyes. “After all, your husband would probably have told about the same thing in a different way. Now we will invite him - how will he talk about it? - Well, he’ll tell something here. I’m telling you how it really happened .. ." No better (and, most likely, worse) will her husband show himself in a similar situation.
But try it yourself: remember the situation of the last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the one with whom you quarreled! And it's hard, and you don't want to, because you look unattractive.
The spouses have lived together for more than 10 years, have already had a big fight many times, but put themselves in the place of another, look at the family through his eyes, try to understand him - no, there was not enough time for this, or rather the mind and mental strength were not enough.
Are you ready for such an experiment?
He is not at all difficult for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another even in a quarrel. "This is how I see the problem. How are you?"

Nikolai Kozlov

How to treat yourself and people

Practical psychology for every day

Fourth edition, revised and enlarged

Dedicated to my father

INSTEAD OF FOREWORD

Three stories - like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: perhaps they, better than any long prefaces, will present some aspects of its content and tone?

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the head of an aircraft modeling circle. During shift changes, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make slats on a circular saw. The block fell off, and the hand flew over the screeching disk. Further - in slow motion: I see - something bloody dangles below the palm, the fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts well then: "I cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I made a mistake - I only lost my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses? - It's worth it." He drew a line: "So, we must continue to live happily." He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to go and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout loudly, but in a calm voice: "Come to me! Help! I cut my hand!" He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear orders to those who ran up: "Two plastic bags and ice - quickly!" (to pack the hand in the cold - I was hoping for microsurgery). "To Moscow - quickly!" On the way, I sang songs, it distracted both me and those accompanying me ... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything. According to my impressions, the most calm and sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors) was me.

Apartment keys

And suddenly ... Zhenya K. takes out the keys from his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: "I agree with N.I., but I would like to check it. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to become my wife? Any !"

There was a tense silence in response. I was also a little taken aback: conversations - conversations, and then a person offers the keys to the apartment ... But it’s also interesting to me, I ask: “Girls, are there any who want it?” And suddenly ... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no “special” relations between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.

There is nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family has been born in our club. Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. Here they also discussed how they should live now, or rather learn how to live as a family. The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left classes together, came to the next lesson together ... We do not ask them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came up to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we played so many of them in the Club that we don’t want to do it at home. However, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going to kitchen. I feel like we just opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried in ourselves just poured out on each other. We love each other so much! "

Nikolai Kozlov

How to treat yourself and people

Dedicated to my father

Instead of a preface

Three stories - like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: perhaps they, better than any long prefaces, will present some aspects of its content and tone?

He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to go, and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout loudly but in a calm voice: “Come to me! For help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear orders to those who ran up: “Two plastic bags and ice – quickly!” (to pack the hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). "To Moscow - quickly!" On the way, I sang songs, it distracted both me and those accompanying me ... Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything.

According to my impressions, the most calm and sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors) was me.

Apartment keys

And suddenly... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check it out. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Any!”

And suddenly ... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no “special” relations between them: ordinary, good, like with everyone else.

The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left classes together, came to the next lesson together ... We do not ask them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came up to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we played so many of them in the Club that we don’t want to do it at home. True, we violated one condition: after two weeks, Zhenya stopped going to the kitchen for the night. I have a feeling that we just opened our soul valves, and all the love that we carried in ourselves just splashed out on each other. We love each other so much!”

Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Alla and glasses

And then the doorbell rings. What? Enraged neighbors burst in from the lower floor, it turns out that we flooded them, and they just did a major overhaul. We filled in the bathroom, part of the kitchen, the hallway, and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just covered with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are indignant, the wife is crying. They demand money for repairs, there is no need to argue. I give the money (from the just received salary), the wife cries even louder. Neighbors, cursing, leave. I see them off, return to my wife and say: “That's it, this issue is no longer discussed. We'll give you glasses."

Why? Because the person is bad. And he should be fine.

Now, let's get to know each other.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I 33 years (in my heart I feel like 19 years old),

I do not yet know that in 20 years I will become a professor and doctor of psychological sciences,

I am a psychologist and a husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife's name is Alla (I have her "Miracle").

I still don’t know that in many years we will meet as families, because people change, because Allochka will find her happiness, and thanks to her, I will find my love.

We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, wait. Outwardly, they are very similar to each other, both are lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart. Vanya is closer to me, Sasha is closer to Allochka.

It is curious that after 20 years Vanya became softer, and Sasha was completely formed according to the leadership model. Vanya is now an excellent teacher, and Sasha is a very competent and professional psychologist. Who would know!

At work, I lead psychological groups, give lectures, and consult. I love my job and can hardly imagine life without it. Listening to confessions and feeling that even if not immediately, but you can help a person, is nice. Seeing how people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work is a great happiness. A significant place in my life and in this book is occupied by the youth club, but about it - later. I can only say that without him my book would never have been written.

Then, 20 years ago, I did not even think that the youth club of practical psychology "Sinton" would turn into the largest training center in Russia "Sinton", more than 200,000 people would receive high-quality training at its trainings, that the best practical psychologists in Russia would grow out of it. Then, in 1990, everything was just beginning, everything was still ahead!

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. It's fun because it's from the heart. Seriously, so that I don't feel ashamed in front of the people I respect and who still respected me.

I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; a popular book, not a scientific one.

In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I somehow used, not always referring to them. I constantly had a fear that if I made references to every sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: "Collective intelligence." I did not write for psychologists, and the problem of authorship is of little concern to everyone else.

True, I did not refer to one person so often that I must immediately name him: Arkady Petrovich Egides, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in family and sexology. Actually, it was thanks to him that I began to take shape as a practicing psychologist.

And the last. To be precise, under this cover are four separate books, completely different not only in topic and content, but also in style, tone, language.

Wisdom in everyday contacts

Secrets of family communication

What makes people kind

As for closeness, here we are talking about the closeness of the soul. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts are divided. In the same way, people can talk on the phone thousands of miles away, but at the same time there will be a Meeting, they will be closer to each other than ever.

How does normal family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question "How are you?" when meeting close people can be anything.

In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual.

The military salute at the meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, and here the same formality - you have to say “How are you?”. The interlocutor will also formally answer this: “Normal”.

Neither one nor the other soul even flinched: there was a greeting, The meeting did not happen.

Other "How are you?" can be a business question: I need information, and they give it to me. The person here for me is only a source of information, nothing more.