How to calm a person who has lost something. How to comfort a person: the right words

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Since childhood, the antagonism of life and death evokes in a person a whole palette of diverse emotions that cannot be explained. The feelings that people experience when they have lost their soul mate cannot be expressed in words. Depression and shock, stress and apathy for the future - grief cannot be gotten rid of overnight, but it can be shared with true friends.

At the moment of loss and separation, we become the most vulnerable, so the support of close friends and relatives is especially valuable. However, how exactly can you help? similar situation? How to comfort someone with words? What phrases will help you cope with loss?

Classification of stress: finding the right words for comfort

To answer the above questions, you need to consider options for developing the situation. Traditionally, psychologists classify the state of a person experiencing the loss of a close friend or separation from a spouse into 4 stages:

Behavior: the duration of this phase ranges from 5 seconds to 2–3 weeks; a person refuses to believe in the events taking place, convinces himself of the opposite outcome; There is a lack of appetite and mobility in the grieving person.

Actions: do not leave the person alone with; share the bitterness of loss; try to distract the sufferer with light stories about a departed relative or friend; remember it in the past tense, programming your consciousness for the completion of the event.

Suffering.

Behavior: this time period lasts 6–7 weeks; during such a period, a person who is experiencing the death of a friend or relative is characterized by a lack of concentration and apathy towards the events taking place; during this period of disorder, people can visualize the “gone”; some experience intense feelings of guilt or fear, projecting impending loneliness.

Actions: do not be intrusive, let the person be alone with his own thoughts; if he wants to get angry or cry, then just don’t interfere; provide the grieving person with sufficient water; make sure he eats; invite him to take a walk, spend time outside.

Awareness.

Behavior: this condition begins in most people no earlier than a year later; attacks of panic and fear occur less frequently; sleep and appetite are restored; a person learns to plan the future taking into account past events; this phase is characterized by coming to terms with the loss of a soul mate.

Actions: at this stage there is no need to remind about the bitterness of loss; try to spend more time with the person, involving him in social spheres life.

Recovery.

Behavior: after completing the stage of accepting the situation that has happened, a person’s consciousness automatically “transitions” to the recovery phase; after 1–1.5 years, grief is replaced by a feeling of sadness, which accompanies life, but does not interfere with development in social activities.

Actions: during this time period, it is important to support the endeavors of a person who has experienced the bitterness of loss; point in the right direction; help implement plans; dream with him, designing a bright future today.

According to the above tips, you will be able to properly support loved one, picking up the right words. Don’t forget to project your recommendations onto the current situation so that, if necessary, you can promptly adjust the advice provided.

To support a person who is learning to live without a soulmate, it is important to follow simple rules that alleviate suffering:

Maintain conversations about the departed person in a positive manner, but do not remember him yourself when starting a dialogue.
Don’t ask unnecessary questions so as not to accidentally “touch” a sore subject.
Listen carefully and do not interrupt the interlocutor who is experiencing the bitterness of loss.
Instead of “warm” phrases of support, it is enough to hug the person tightly, making him feel that he is not alone.
Do not compare the event that happened with other situations that happened earlier.
If a friend or relative experiences the betrayal of a spouse, then do not remember him, do not sharpen the “bare” consciousness, increasing anger and pain in the soul.
To contain your emotions without increasing your friend’s feelings, call rather than meet in person.
Before talking, project the situation that happened on yourself, understanding your friend or friend.
Don't take responsibility by giving useful tips– the recommendations are inappropriate, and you will remain to blame.
Offer help in the abstract, leaving the choice to the interlocutor.
Be patient - only time helps to cope with the pain of loss.

In answer to the question of how to comfort a person with words, psychologists agree that the traditional phrase is optimal: “I will always be there.” The main thing is to adhere to such a statement in practice.

January 15, 2014

It is safe to say that in the life of every person there are unpleasant moments that cause unpleasant emotions. It is the emotional side that is a reflection of the worldview of a particular person. People tend to react completely differently to certain life events. This fact is influenced by characteristics of temperament, upbringing, degree of self-hypnosis and a number of other circumstances. On the other hand, the approach to each specific person requires special attention.

Any careless word can break the will of a person who, with all his penchant for self-hypnosis, is intolerant of various kinds of criticism. At the same time, there is certain type people who do not want to perceive the pity of others as a positive feeling. Some people are more inclined to solitude, which allows them to once again analyze the situation and come to a certain conclusion.

Some people experience fear of the unknown and seek support from others. However, there are certain conventional rules that are mainly used by psychologists during sessions with patients, but which must be learned and ordinary people in order to help both yourself and your loved ones at the right time. Follow the tactics of communication with people who find themselves in difficult situation, is necessary in order not only not to add unnecessary stress to them through incorrect phrases or incorrectly expressed thoughts, but first of all to be able to help find a way out of the situation and smooth out the wave of worries.

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What should you not say to someone who is experiencing grief?

First of all, it is important not to concentrate a person’s attention on his difficult situation, once again recalling unpleasant events and facts. Even if it is known that a person experiencing unpleasant moments in his life is a fairly strong and resilient person, capable of coping with any difficulties. Often, a person’s internal weakness is so carefully disguised under a shell of self-confidence that others mistakenly perceive him as a very strong, reliable person with practically indestructible strong-willed qualities. Self-confidence is often perceived as undoubted self-confidence. At the same time, even the most persistent person can turn out to be quite weak and quite vulnerable. The loss of a loved one is especially difficult for all people.

You should not impose your thoughts on how a person who finds himself in a tragic situation should behave. Most likely, he will be irritated that they are trying to teach him at such a difficult time for him. Strong personality, most likely, will react with aggression, which is quite understandable, and therefore there is no point in being offended and leaving. People experiencing grief focus all their attention on this event, so much so that they may forget about those around them, with whom they were at. We must remember that this is a temporary situation, since any, even the saddest story, has a climax and denouement. Not a single person on earth can remain at the peak of his own experiences indefinitely; this can lead to sad consequences.

As we know, stress has an adverse effect on both the physical and mental mental health person. Against the background of stress caused by grief, a number of gastrointestinal diseases can occur, migraines may occur, and immunity may decrease.

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It is not uncommon for people to go crazy after the death of a loved one.

(This is especially true for mothers who have lost their children). Experts consider madness as one of the ways to mobilize the body's defenses. Because a person cannot long time be in a state of stress, then in the case when due to lability nervous system cannot help but think about the grief he experienced, changes occur in his psyche. Such people seem to begin to live in another dimension. They find in the world of illusions what they so lacked in real life. There are cases when mothers who have lost babies refuse to believe what happened, and continue to swaddle dolls, seriously believing that these are their children.

A person who experiences severe psychological trauma as a result of a tragedy may simply fall into a stupor, without reacting in any way to the words and actions of others. This is also a kind of self-defense of the body. At such a moment, he does not so much calm down as he does not perceive reality in all its details. You should not try to “stir up” the sufferer at such moments. First of all, this will not give any result, but on the other hand, any attempts to bring him to his senses and force him to go, for example, for a walk, may look ridiculous and carry practically no positivity.

We should not forget that at such a moment a person experiences grief, which in his mind has a global scale. The desire of friends to cheer him up and lift his spirits (with jokes, anecdotes, funny incidents) will be perceived as a “feast during the plague,” that is, you can automatically fall into the category of enemies who rejoice in the misfortune of others.

Under no circumstances should a saddened person be reproached for his weakness and told examples of how other people easily and quickly experience such moments and then switch to everyday worries. This can cause an unpleasant impression and sound in the mind of such a person as an attempt to accuse him of being filled with grief. In addition, there is a risk of becoming a person who does not understand someone else's misfortune. It is possible that a grief-stricken person will say this directly, in a harsh tone, and subsequently refuse to communicate.

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There is no need to openly feel sorry for a person if he is not tolerant of various types of pity

At the same time, one cannot demonstrate complete indifference. It will be much easier for a person who has experienced grief if he feels spiritual support and understanding, which is expressed in the fact that his friends and relatives are experiencing grief with him and understand his situation. You need to be very subtle the slightest direction the thoughts of such a person. Often victims refuse to take sedatives or other medications, convincing themselves that there is no point in doing so because they have no desire to live.

If it is obvious that memories of the image of a departed person do not cause him additional suffering, and he wants to talk about it, you must listen to him carefully, without inserting any additional remarks, except confirmation that he is understood and his emotions are close to others. Such a person should not be left alone. It will be much better if some friends or close relatives express a desire to stay with him.

Many people are positive, their presence in itself evokes warm feelings, and spontaneity makes you forget about everything, even the most difficult and sad moments. However, it should be taken into account that a grief-stricken person may not control himself, and therefore may burst into tears in the presence of children, which can adversely affect their mental health. In addition, children are very sensitive to the mood of adults.

If a person is experiencing grief, this does not mean that he needs to give him the gift of an additional pet. The reaction may not be entirely predictable. But at the same time, it is possible that he will be able to get a little distracted by the sight of his favorite felling trees or guinea pigs.

By the way, the reaction of people who have lost a pet who has already become a full-fledged pet is not the same. Some strive to immediately acquire an animal that is similar in all respects to the previous deceased animal. Others, on the contrary, prefer animals of other colors so that they do not remind of the tragedy. The third category of people generally do not consider it right to purchase an animal after experiencing grief, because they are not sure that they will be able to survive the loss of a new pet.

What should you say to a person who considers himself a failure?

It would be more correct to pose the question: what should not be said to a person who has experienced failure and then considers his life in vain. You can give a lot of advice on this matter, but the right option There will be an individual approach to the situation. Each person reacts differently to the same words. If, for example, the phrase “calm down, everything will be fine” can be perceived by an optimist as confirmation of his own thoughts, then an avid pessimist and skeptic can perceive it as ridicule. There is no point in being offended if the answer is similar to the words: “You decided to laugh at me?! Where will everything be fine? This peculiarity of reaction to a reality that is not always triumphant is characteristic of people who are unsure of their abilities, who always tend to see the negative in everything. They experience any difficulties very hard, and due to the fact that this greatly frightens them and stops them halfway, they cannot achieve high results in any business.
If a person who considers himself to have suffered from a situation that deprived him of his laurels in a certain field of activity begins to be reproached for not showing enough persistence and softening up at the most crucial moment, you can not only lose a friend, but also suddenly become almost enemy. Deep down, people who are not prone to self-criticism blame everyone and everything for their failures. They blame the circumstances and the people who met along the way at that moment, but not themselves. Often they prefer to blame other people for any defeat and then talk about it. In this case, you can carefully
Listen, and then very tactfully and carefully try to dissect the situation, noting the point at which they were unable to keep the situation under control. But under no circumstances should you talk about it directly. It must be emphasized that this is not the last chance. Several episodes from own life. And although personal example is not always acceptable to others, it can somewhat encourage the spirit of someone who has lost it. Sometimes, the confidence that you are not the only one who suffered a failure gives strength and helps you cope with your inferiority complex.

How to help overcome anxiety?

People are so prone to worry that sometimes it is much easier to try to calm down your friend than to cope with your own emotions. Parents are constantly worried about the behavior of their children, adult children are worried about the health of their elderly parents, each person, in turn, from young to old, is worried about upcoming events. Thus, a school student is worried at the sight of a strict examiner, a company employee is worried about whether he will be appointed to head a department, a graduate student spends the night going over in his thoughts the possible events of the upcoming dissertation defense.

Of course, anxiety in no way has a positive effect on situations that call for it. On the contrary, during a period of excitement, a person wastes colossal reserves of strength and energy that could be used in the right direction. Thus, a student’s surge of excitement prevents him from remembering the formula he crammed all night, and the most diligent employee of the company does not dare to have a serious conversation with his boss about raising his salary. It turns out that anxiety can strike at the most crucial moments, successfully ruining all the plans people have in mind.

Can you find the right words to calm an anxious friend or family member? This is a rather responsible mission that requires caution, attentiveness and sensitivity. Most people when they try to interfere in their lives and dictate their own rules. They may perceive any advice as interference “in someone else’s business.” In some cases, such support may cause the following reaction: “You don’t understand such issues at all, that’s why you don’t understand my anxiety!” It is important to ask the person first if they need help. If he is inclined to talk frankly about the reasons for the excitement, you can analyze the situation in detail in a more attractive form for him.

For someone with a sense of humor, a suitable option is when he can imagine his strict boss or teacher in an unsightly form, for example, with green hair or in funny clothes. But the main thing is not to overdo it, so that the student, remembering the jokes, does not burst into laughter at the most inopportune moment. If a person is not prone to jokes, you can encourage him that with his abilities and intelligence he will definitely achieve anything. At the same time, psychologists do not recommend using the particle “ Not", and also not to remind the word " excitement».

A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?

Hold on!

The most frequent words, which always come to mind first -

Be strong!
Hold on!
Take heart!
My condolences!
Any help?
Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the person who has lost life has stopped and time has stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how could it be otherwise? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We should be happy!

The second group of valuable advice to the bereaved is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”

“You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
“Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
“Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, all last year She was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends didn’t see her that often—a couple of times a year at best. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...

Death is not something to be happy about at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”

You are strong!

How he holds up!
How strong she is!
You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological protection" On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

“We’re going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” What's the name? Vladimir Nikolaevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A non-church colleague was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burned out from leukemia: “Can you imagine, she said in such a plastic, harsh voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”

The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that is important, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” – you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”

In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”

Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.

Does time heal?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As I was told wise man Having experienced a loss, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.

There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still comfort you.

What can I say?

In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.

Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”

But empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.

Help from a good priest who has experience of loss or simply a lot of life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.

Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.

If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s what wakes are for—to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from your honeymoon”….

Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. To be close.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief and loss are experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.

Situations in life are completely different, and the psyche cannot always calmly cope with what is happening, then the help of those who are nearby is necessary. Confusion from the need to somehow stabilize the state of another person is quite understandable, especially when it is not clear how to calm a person down with words at a distance, because removing the cause of the experience may not only be overwhelming, but possibly also an unnecessary task.

Most of all I want to calm down crying man, since everyone’s own psyche is structured in such a way that the sight of other people’s tears is unbearable. However, we do not take into account those reactions where strong experiences and destructive mental processes can occur without tears or loud laments.

In difficult times

You can help a person overcome difficult experiences without arranging special rescue operations or completing crisis psychology courses - the main thing is to show attentiveness and sensitivity. Don’t rush to take active steps and give advice on how to calm down, but listen to the situation. The more a person speaks out, the more the emotional intensity decreases; there are situations when, having told your problem to several friends in a row, negative emotions go away, the significance of bad events decreases, or the relevance of what is happening is completely lost.

Even if the situation is more complex and requires real intervention, then after your attentive and active listening, with supporting statements and clarifying questions, a plan for getting out of this situation may emerge or a certain rethinking will come. But you shouldn’t dwell on problems either - it’s one thing to tell your friends what’s happening in order to throw out burning emotions, and the situation develops completely differently if you allow a person to constantly wind himself up with retellings of what happened. As soon as you notice that mentioning a painful situation causes deterioration of the condition rather than emotional relief, gently change the topic of conversation, distracting from the discussion on the established topic. It is even better to distract and calm the person with activities.

Calm a person down panic attack Participation and an offer to help, expressed in a direct form, helps. You can ask how to help or offer your options for the person right now, even little things (bring water, wrap them in a blanket, give them a ride home, etc.).

And don't forget about physical contact - a hug, a friendly pat on the shoulder, a touch on the arm can do much more than any words. If the problem arises of how to calm a person at a distance, then contact techniques are not available, but you can influence a person’s emotional background using your own voice, namely volume and intonation. Try to speak measuredly, a little drawn out, bringing your voice closer to that of someone falling asleep, both in volume and intonation. Instinctive mechanisms of the psyche are triggered that it is impossible to sleep in danger, and if you fall asleep, it means it is safe, then the other person has a subconscious perception of what is happening as less threatening.

In an extreme situation

The problem with extreme situations is that people who have known each other for a long time in different event scenarios give completely unpredictable reactions. The most common reactions are panic and hysteria. You need to work with them in different ways.

If a person is covered, then focusing on breathing and nearby objects will help to calm down. Initially, you will need to control his breathing, i.e. talk about the need to take breaths, make sure that they are not very deep (hyperventilation leads to loss of consciousness, which is already narrowed in panic) or too frequent (small amplitude of breaths can increase anxiety).

Transfer a person’s attention from abstract concepts or attempts to evaluate a general stop to his well-being - warmth in the limbs, comfort of posture, ask him to do some minor work(fold things, type a message).

You will have to get out of the stupor using physical methods, by lightly shaking or rocking the person. Immediately after being brought out of the stupor, all pent-up feelings may pour out, and hysteria will come. Here you need to silently listen to any text spoken, even with threats and insults addressed to you (you will hear an apology later, when the person has stabilized emotionally). If hysteria turns into threatening physical activity, then the task is solely to restrain destructive impulses - perhaps with your hands, you can pour water on it.

During extreme events, the question of how to calm a drunk person is especially important, because harm from his rash and over-emotional reactions can lead to catastrophic consequences. Methods of dealing with hysteria are suitable - listen or pour water on you when you notice that a person is completely losing control of his behavior. Control your own behavior - you need to remain calm and speak only to the point. Choose neutral phrases to calm the person down, in which it is impossible to provoke a new emotional outburst. And there is also a secret way - to pretend that you don’t notice the drunk, so you deprive him of the emotional feedback and the person either calms down or moves away further in search of those who will support his wave.

When you lose a loved one

The death of a loved one from illness, at predictable dates or due to extreme situations when it happens unexpectedly, always has a strong frustrating effect on those left to live. In addition to the immediate loved ones of the victims, those who will try to help them and somehow calm them down are also subject to secondary traumatization. This is what explains the stupor of many and the inability to find the right words to calm a person down.

There is no recipe that can, in one magic phrase or action, remove the pain of loss and calm a person who has lost a loved one, but you can help someone else experience grief and return to their life by forming new patterns of interaction. Do not try to distract the person from what happened with other conversations or proposals for activities - in the first period, all thoughts will still be devoted only to death, and your attempts can lead to withdrawal. If there are no words, then it is better to sit next to you and be silent, and you can start talking only when the person experiencing grief turns to you, and it is better to listen to what he tells you.

Your task is to show that you are nearby and can provide support. It is important not to say this phrase, but to make it clear on completely different levels - support constant contact. You can call on the phone and ask if the person has food, if they need help in closing accounts and filling out the papers of the deceased, stop by and give them a ride where necessary. Those. you do not focus attention on what happened with questions about your well-being and how difficult it is after the loss. Perhaps one day, when the person himself is ready to talk, he will call and ask for a meeting. Then be prepared for tears and difficult experiences, with which you do not need to do anything, just listen, but listen carefully.

What not to do

Since the suffering of others is unbearable for those nearby, and the desire to calm the person increases to the maximum and requires any decisive action, many stop worrying about who really needs reassurance now and make mistakes. Remember how a mother shouts at a crying child, trying to calm him down in this way; as a result, all participants in the situation become agitated. It’s worth listening to your feelings and walking away; if you find yourself unstable, let others calm you down.

You cannot devalue the cause of a person’s disorder, because this can greatly hurt. Those. those who mourn the dead do not need to be told that they are better now or that this should have happened, and a woman going through a divorce should not be told about her beauty and unworthiness of a man, because self-esteem is now at the lowest level, and the suffering from his absence is painful.

If you are going to help, then stay, and do not leave with the phrase that you will come on the first call. When a person needs reassurance, he cannot always adequately test reality in order to understand what help he needs, and he can also fall into such a deep depression, pick up the phone and not remember the phone number.

When you compare a person’s suffering with others (starving children in Africa, the disabled, the homeless), in an attempt to show that someone is now much worse off, then at best you will not be heard. By reacting more adequately, you may train an aggressive reaction or provoke a desire to emotionally shut down. When you personally are already fed up with the suffering or hysterics of another, then exclude yourself from the situation, and do not start ordering the person to calm down or switch. Believe me, if a person could do this, he would have done it long ago.

Sample phrases on how to calm someone down with words

The right words can be a truly healing force. The first thing to remember is that all wording should convey a positive aspect, but without going too far. You can remember positive stories about a deceased person, instead of advice, it’s faster to get distracted.

For example:

“I can’t live through this pain instead of you, but I can live through this pain with you, together we will endure everything.”

“I'm sorry about what happened. How can I help?

“Please accept our sincere condolences for the loss, we remember with the warmest words ___!”

“We sympathize with your loss! The news of ___'s death shocked our entire family."

“Words cannot express all the pain and sadness. We sincerely sympathize with your entire family!”

“We are shocked by the sad news and share the pain of loss. Golden man ___, of which there are few! We will always remember ___!”

If a person is simply in a difficult situation, and you understand that he will overcome it, then words of support about holding on or not giving up are quite appropriate - they will be in place here. IN complex options You can encourage them with questions about your participation and help, or you can help the person clarify the situation for himself.

For example:

"You can count on me"

"Your failure is a springboard to success"

"I'm here to help"

“I believe in you, you will survive everything”

“The finish line is the start of something new”

“One stage has ended, a new one will begin”

When you see that your friend has withdrawn into himself and can only talk about the problem that is tormenting him, then change the topic - talk about butterflies and plans for the weekend. If the conversation with you is not supported independently, then engage with questions - ask for an opinion on your new suit and the planned conference, ask to tell something related to your friend’s professional sphere.

It is not so much semantic, but rather affectively rich phrases that help calm a person in hysterics. Those. Quietly and calmly asking a person to think about his behavior may be useless, but a terrible scream with an order to shut up can easily bring him to his senses.

If a person is sane, his actions are adequate to what is happening, but it is difficult for him, then discuss his feelings with him more. What is valuable here is not your advice and words, but the opportunity for a person to be in the spotlight, to feel true support when all the time and space is devoted to him.

Remember that not only words will help calm a person, but silence and hugs can share and reduce sadness, calm, and return the vivid experience of emotions.

Various unpleasant and even tragic situations happen in our lives. And man, first of all, is a social being. Therefore, the easiest and most accessible way to find support is in your environment. Sometimes one gives up because it is unclear what to do, how to help a person. Psychologists say that when a person is in any kind of altered emotional state, first you need to calm him down. So how to calm someone down?

In order to help a person calm down, it is important to follow the following rules:

No need to be intrusive. If you see that a person needs to calm down, you should not immediately rush and help him. When he needs your help, you will notice it yourself.
There is no need to put pressure on a person. Try to be as careful as possible when asking him about troubles, because the condition can be aggravated by unnecessary exposure.
There is no need to teach or give instructions. The person himself knows what and how it will be better for him. Your advice should not be in the nature of teaching.
You cannot compare a person's problem with others. Each of us has our own characteristics and character. If for some the problem seems trivial, then for others it may be the end of the world.

How to calm someone down in a difficult situation

So, if a person is not in a state of emotional explosion and is ready to talk, you can calm him down in the following way:

Ask the person to talk about what happened. It is important to listen to him carefully and not interrupt. You cannot remain silent, so nod your head and insert rare words into the dialogue. If the conversation doesn't go well, ask clarifying questions.
Be patient and resilient. You cannot be offended by a person if he is rude, swears, or even insults you. It is important to understand that all emotions are directed not at you, but at the problem.
Give the person as much time as he needs. Under no circumstances should the narrator be rushed.
Ask him what you can do to help him. You don’t need to immediately offer your options; sometimes the person himself will ask you to do something.
Try to support the person. Some need a friendly hug, others need a walk outdoors. Support him as best you can.

How to calm someone down in an emergency situation

If it happened extreme situation, and there are no specialists who can help, then you will have to calm the person down yourself. There are two types of reactions under stressful conditions - an emotional storm (when a person reacts sharply, screams, swears, cries, etc.) and emotional stupor (when a person cannot say anything; looks at one point; does not make contact).

If he screams and swears, you need to emotionally talk to him until the person gets tired. Sometimes you can hug the person tightly and hold him until he stops overreacting. Only then try to calm down as described above.

If a person is in a state of stupor, then you need to “revive” him. To do this, you can shake him by the shoulders, pour cold water, pinch. And only then calm down.

For many people, the difficulty arises in how to calm someone down with words. Psychologists advise that you need to carefully monitor what you say. Moreover, you need to monitor both words and emotions. You can't swear or get angry at a person. You need to speak specific facts, diluted with soothing words. It is also important that the person responds to your words. To do this, you can ask questions like “do you agree?”, “can you hear me?”, “what do you think about this?”