How to calm a person who is crying with words. How to calm a person in different situations

Comforting an upset friend can be quite difficult. When trying to calm down, you may feel like you are constantly saying the wrong thing and making things difficult. So, how can you calm an upset friend and make them feel better? Just follow these steps.

Steps

Part 1

Be sympathetic

1. Show your friend some affection. 99% of the time, your friend would like to be hugged with a hand on his or her shoulder, or a gentle pat on the arm. Most people love affection, it makes them feel comforted and not alone. If your friend is so upset that he refuses to be touched, then this is a special case, but you can almost always start to comfort your friend by showing him your affection. Your friend may be very upset to start talking right away and these little gestures can have great importance to make your friend feel less alone.

   • Feel it. If you touch your friend and he moves closer instead of moving away from you, then you are on the right track.

2. Just listen. The next thing you can do is offer your friend a good ear. Make eye contact, nod occasionally, and make comments when necessary while your friend is talking. But basically, let your friend express himself and pour out everything he has in his chest. This is not the time for you to show your opinion or talk a lot. This is the time to let your friend explain whatever is bothering them and get a better understanding of the situation. Some problems cannot be solved, but he may feel less tragic if there is someone in the area who will enter his predicament.

   • If your friend talks a little, you can ask, "Do you want to talk?" Then clarify the situation. Perhaps your friend wants to talk and needs a little nudge, or he or she is just really upset and can't talk yet, which means all you need is just to be there.
   • You can insert small comments like "This must be so hard" or "I can't imagine what you're going through", but don't overdo it.

3. Make your friend feel more comfortable. Perhaps your friend is shaking like rain. Hug him and wrap him in a blanket. He may have been crying for an hour. Give him tissues and some Advil. Perhaps your friend stood up while talking about how upset he is about carrying a heavy backpack. Plant him. If your friend is a little annoyed, give her or him some chamomile tea. If your friend has been up all night worrying, put him to bed. The idea will come to you.

   • Your friend may be so upset that he or she doesn't care about their health or comfort. This is where you come to the rescue.
   • Don't assume that your friend will feel better if you open a bottle of wine or bring a case of beer. Alcohol is NEVER the solution if your friend is upset. Remember that it only works as a depressant.

4. Don't minimize your friend's problems. Your friend may be upset for many reasons. Serious reason: Your friend just found out that his grandmother is in the hospital. Not a serious problem: your friend just broke up with her boyfriend after 6 months together. However, even if you know that, objectively, your friend will soon get over it, or that it's not much of a cause for concern, this is not the time to get into perspective if you don't want to be overwhelmed by your friend.

   • First, you must take your friend's problems seriously. If your friend is moping for too long because of a short-term breakup, then you can help them deal with it later.
   • Avoid making comments such as "It's not the end of the world," "You can handle it," or "It's not really a big deal." Obviously, your friend is upset because this is a big problem for him or her.

5. Don't give unnecessary advice. This is another thing to avoid at all costs. Until your friend turns to you and says, "What do you think I should do?" you shouldn't jump in and offer your friend your humble opinion of the top five options for action. It will come across as condescending, as if you think your friend's problems can be easily solved. Until your friend looks at you through the eyes of a doe and says "I don't know what to do..." give him time before giving your advice.

   • You can just say "You should get some rest" or "Drink some chamomile tea and you'll feel much better" to offer your friend some comfort. But don't say things like "I think you should call Bill right now and sort things out" or "I think you should contact high school now,” otherwise your friend will just be overwhelmed and annoyed.

6. Don't say you understand everything. This is another way to quickly make your friend annoyed. Unless you've been in an identical situation once, you can't say "I know exactly how you feel..." because your friend will immediately yell "It's not the same!". Frustrated people want to be heard, but not to hear that their problems are similar to someone else's. So, if your friend is upset about a major breakup and you've been through the same issues too, you can say so. But don't compare your three-month relationship with your friend's three-year relationship, or you'll only hurt.

   • Say "I can't imagine how you feel" rather than "I know exactly what you're going through..."
   • Of course, it can be a comfort to your friend to know that someone else has been through too. similar situation and survived, but if this is not the case, then be careful with the phrases.
   • Comparing yourself to your friend is problematic because you end up talking nonsense without even knowing what you're doing.

7. Know when your friend wants to be left alone. Unfortunately, not everyone who is upset wants support and a good ear. Some people deal with problems in private, and some people may want to be left alone after talking about a problem. If this is the case with your friend, don't stay if he doesn't want to. If your friend said that he or she wants to be alone, then that's probably what it means.

   • If you think your friend might do something to himself then you need to stay and prevent it, but if your friend is just upset but not devastated then maybe he just needs time to move on.

8. Ask how you can help. After you and your friend have talked, ask your friend what you can do to improve the situation. Perhaps there is a specific solution and you can help fix it, for example, if your friend flunked his math class, and you are good at numbers and can teach him. Sometimes, no good decision, but then you can take your friend for a ride and spend more time with him if he's going through a difficult breakup, or let your friend stay with you for a while.

   • Even if you really can't do anything but be there, just asking what you can do will help your friend feel that they are not alone and that there is someone close to him or her.
   • If your friend thinks you're doing too much for her or him, remind the friend of the times he or she was with you when you really needed it. That's what friends are for, isn't it?

   Part 2

   Do your best

   1. Make your friend laugh if the problem is not too serious. If your friend is not suffering from a significant loss, then you can cheer him or her up, make a joke, or act like a fool. If you try to cheer up your friend too soon, then it will most likely not work, but if you wait a little and then start to cheer up a friend through laughter, then it will pay off well. Laughter really is the best medicine, and if you can turn a non-offensive situation into a joke or just play a prank on yourself to get your friend's attention, then these actions will provide temporary relief.

      • Of course, if your friend is very upset, humor is not the best. the best choice For you.

   2. Distract your friend. The next thing you can do while your friend is upset is to try and keep him as busy as possible. However, you should not drag your friend to clubs or invite him to a huge party where everyone is dressed as his favorite superhero, you should come to a friend with a movie and a big bag of popcorn, or take him for a walk. When you distract a friend, some of the pain will go away, even if your friend initially resists. Don't push your friend too hard, but know that they need a little push.

      • Your friend should say something like "I don't want to have fun, I just want to be the biggest bore..." and you can say "That's funny! I love to have fun with you no matter what."
      • Perhaps your friend will spend time in his cavernous room. Just get him or her out of the house on Fresh air, even if you just walk in a cafe down the street, it will benefit him physically and mentally.

   3. Do something useful for your friend. If your friend is really upset, then it is likely that he or she is neglecting his or her duties or homework. And then you appear. If your friend forgot to eat, bring him lunch or go and cook dinner. If your friend hasn't washed clothes in two months, bring some detergent. If your friend's house is in total disarray, offer to help him clean up. Bring your friend's mail. If he or she stays at home and does not go to school, then bring homework. These little things may not seem like big things when your friend is incredibly upset, but they add to the relief.

      • Your friend may say that he doesn't need your help and that you've done enough already, but you should insist that you want to help, at least on the face of it.

   4. Check your friend. If you and your friend don't have identical schedules, you will inevitably spend some time without each other. But if you know that your friend is really upset, then you can't walk away from the situation entirely. You should call a friend, text her or him, or check in from time to time to see what your friend is doing. Since you don't want to annoy your friend and text him, "Are you okay?" every three seconds, you need to check on your friend at least once or twice a day if you know he's going through a tough time.

      • You don't have to say, "I'm just calling to find out what you're doing." You can be smarter if you want to come up with an excuse, like if your friend saw your brown coat, and then end up inviting him to dinner. You don't want your friend to feel like you're babysitting him or her.

   5. Just be there. Often, this is the most important thing you can do when comforting a friend. In rare cases, you can solve a friend's problem or, even more so, find the best solution. Sometimes your friend has to wait or work through the problem on their own. But now, most of the time, you can be a shoulder for your friend to cry, a comforting voice to hear in the middle of the night if your friend really needs to talk, and a source of kindness, reason, and comfort. Don't feel inadequate if all you can do is just be there for your friend.

      • Tell your friend that no matter what the problem is, it will get better with time. It is a reality, even if it is not immediately tangible.
      • Make an effort to clear your schedule and devote more time to your friend. He or she will be very grateful to you for the efforts you have made to make him or her feel better.
   • Offer to help your friend if they have been offended. If you came to school with him and saw that he was being bullied, grab his hand and hug him. Protect him. Tell him to come with you. Even if you are the only friend he has, always protect him in a way that no one else can.
   • Hug your friend and tell him that you love him and that you are always there for him.
   • If your friend doesn't want to talk at first, don't call or disturb them! Allow him or her some time alone before you talk to her or him about the problem. Ultimately, he or she will come to you when they are ready to talk and do things better.
   • Be able to understand when your friend is upset or when he just needs attention. If he pretends to be upset all day around you and refuses to say what happened, then he's just looking for attention. If he's really upset, he won't show it much and will eventually tell someone what the problem is.
   • Take your friend out for a meal or a walk in the park! Do everything to divert his attention from what happened and entertain him!

   Warnings

   • If you are the cause of your friend's upset, do your best and apologize! No matter what happened, or who said what, or who did what, is it worth breaking a friendship over it? And if he doesn't accept your apology...think about how you hurt and offended him. Give him time and space to move away from this and maybe he will come or call you!
   • Don't make him tell you what's up if he's in a bad mood or doesn't want to talk at all!
   • Never go over yourself. If your friend says he's tired of being picked on by the school bully, don't say, "It's not as bad as last year when... (and then start telling your story about yourself)." Offer to solve his problem. He is open to you, so show him your compassion!
   • Say something kind, like "I love you, no matter what you look like, what you do, and no matter who you are."

Situations in life happen completely different, while not always the psyche can calmly cope with what is happening, then you need the help of those who are nearby. Confusion from the need to somehow stabilize the state of another person is quite understandable, especially when it is not clear how to calm a person with words at a distance, because removing the cause of the experience can not only be overwhelming, but possibly unnecessary.

Most of all I want to calm down crying man, since everyone's own psyche is arranged in such a way that the sight of other people's tears is unbearable. However, we do not take into account those reactions where strong experiences and destructive processes of the psyche can occur without tears and loud contritions.

In a difficult moment

It is possible to help a person overcome difficult experiences without arranging special rescue operations and without completing courses in crisis psychology - the main thing is to show attentiveness and sensitivity. Do not rush to take action and give advice on how to calm down, but listen to the situation. The more a person speaks out, the more the emotional intensity decreases, there are situations when, having told your problem to several friends in a row, negative emotions go away, the significance of bad events decreases, or the relevance of what is happening is completely lost.

Even if the situation is more complicated and requires real intervention, then after your careful and active listening, with supportive statements and clarifying questions, there may be a plan to get out of this situation or a certain rethinking will come. But it’s also not worth getting hung up on problems - it’s one thing to tell your friends what is happening in order to throw out burning emotions, and the situation develops completely differently if you allow a person to constantly wind himself up with retellings of what happened. As soon as you notice that the mention of a painful situation causes worsening rather than emotional relief, gently change the subject of the conversation, distracting from the discussion on the knurled topic. It is even better to distract and calm the person with activity.

Calm the person down panic attack participation and an offer to help, moreover, expressed in a direct form, helps. You can ask how to help or offer your options for a person right now, even the little things (bring water, wrap a blanket, give a ride home, etc.).

And don't forget about physical contact - a hug, a friendly pat on the shoulder, a touch on the hand can do much more than any words. If a problem arises, how to calm a person at a distance, then contact techniques are not available, however, you can influence the emotional background of a person using your own voice, namely volume and intonation. Try to speak measuredly, a little drawling, bringing your voice closer to the one who falls asleep, both in terms of volume and intonation. The instinctive mechanisms of the psyche work, that it is impossible to sleep in danger, and if you fall asleep, then it is safe, then the other person has a subconscious perception of what is happening as less threatening.

In an emergency

Issues extreme situations in the fact that people who have known each other for a long time in different event variants give out completely unpredictable reactions. The most common reactions are panic and hysteria. You need to work with them in different ways.

If a person is covered, then focusing on breathing and nearby objects will help to calm down. Initially, his breathing will need to be controlled by you, i.e. talk about the need to take a breath, make sure that they are not too deep (hyperventilation leads to loss of consciousness, which is already narrowed in panic) or too frequent (a small amplitude of breaths can increase anxiety).

Move the person’s attention from abstract concepts or attempts to evaluate a general stop to his well-being - warmth in the limbs, comfortable posture, ask to do some petty work(pack things, type a message).

You will have to get out of the stupor by physical methods, easily shaking or shaking the person. Immediately after the withdrawal from the stupor, all pent-up feelings may rush, and hysteria will come. Here it is necessary to silently listen to any text spoken, even with threats and insults addressed to you (you will hear apologies later, when the person stabilizes emotionally). If the hysteria turns into threatening motor activity, then the task is solely to contain destructive impulses - perhaps with hands, you can pour water over it.

In extreme events, the question of how to calm a drunk person is especially important, because the harm from his rash and over-emotional reactions can lead to catastrophic consequences. Suitable methods of dealing with hysteria - listen or pour water when you notice that a person ceases to control his behavior completely. Control your own behavior - you need to remain calm, speak exclusively on business. Choose neutral phrases to calm the person, in which it is impossible to provoke a new emotional outburst. And there is also a secret way - to pretend that you do not notice the drunk, so you deprive him of emotional feedback and the person either calms down or moves further away in search of those who will support his wave.

With the loss of a loved one

The death of a loved one from illness, on predictable dates or due to extreme situations, when it happens unexpectedly, always has a strong frustrating effect on those left to live. In addition to the immediate relatives of the victims, those who will try to help them and somehow reassure them are also subject to secondary traumatization. This explains the stupor of many and the inability to pick up the right words to calm the person.

There is no recipe that can remove the pain of loss and calm a person who has lost a loved one in one magical phrase or action, but you can help another to live through grief and return to their lives by forming new interaction models. Do not try to distract a person from what happened with other conversations or proposals for activities - in the first period, all the same, all thoughts will be devoted only to death, and your attempts can lead to suspension. If there are no words, then it is better to sit next to you and be silent, and you can start talking only when the living grief turns to you, but it is better to listen to what he will tell you.

Your task is to show that you are there and can provide support. It is important not to say this phrase, but to make it clear on completely different levels - support constant contact. You can call on the phone and ask if the person has food, if you need help in closing accounts and processing the papers of the deceased, call in and drive where necessary. Those. you do not focus on what happened with questions about how you feel and how hard it is after the loss. Perhaps one day, when the person himself becomes ready to talk, he will call and ask for a meeting. Then be prepared for tears and hard feelings, with which you don’t need to do anything, it’s enough to listen, but listen carefully.

What not to do

Since the suffering of others is unbearable for those around, and the desire to calm a person increases to the maximum and requires any decisive action, many stop worrying about who really needs to be calmed now and make mistakes. Remember how a mother screams at a crying child, trying to calm him down in this way, as a result, all participants in the situation get excited. It is worth listening to the sensations and moving away, if you find yourself unstable - let others calm you down.

You can not devalue the cause of a person’s disorder, because it can hurt a lot. Those. those who mourn for the dead do not need to be told that now they are better or it should have happened, and a woman going through a divorce should not be told about her beauty and unworthiness of a man, because self-esteem is now at the bottom bar, and suffering from his absence is painful.

If you are going to help, then stay, and do not leave with the phrase that you will come at the first call. When a person needs reassurance, he cannot always adequately test reality in order to understand what kind of help he needs, and he can also fall into such a deep depression, pick up the phone and not remember the phone number.

When you compare the suffering of a person with others (starving children of Africa, the disabled, the homeless), in an attempt to show that someone is now much worse, then at best you will not be heard. With a more adequate response, you can learn an aggressive reaction or provoke a desire to emotionally shut down. When you personally have already got the suffering or tantrums of another, then exclude yourself from the situation, and do not start ordering the person to calm down or switch. Believe me, if a person could do this, he would have done it long ago.

Sample phrases on how to calm a person with words

The right words can be a real healing force. The first thing to remember is that all wording should convey a positive moment, but without going too far. Can be remembered positive stories about a dead person instead of advice, get distracted faster.

For example:

“I can’t go through this pain instead of you, but I can live this pain with you, together we will endure everything”

“I'm sorry about what happened. How can I help?"

“Accept sincere condolences for the loss, we remember with the warmest words ___!”

“We are sorry for your loss! The news of the death of ___ shocked our entire family.”

“Words cannot convey all the pain and sadness. We sincerely sympathize with your entire family!”

“Shocked by the sad news, we share the pain of loss. Golden man ___, what few! We will always remember ___!

If a person is simply in a difficult situation, and you understand that he will overcome it, then words of support about holding on or not giving up are quite appropriate - here they will be in place. AT difficult options You can cheer up by asking about your participation and help, or you can help the person clarify the situation for himself.

For example:

"You can count on me"

"Your failure is the springboard to success"

"I'm here to help"

“I believe in you, you will survive everything”

"The finish is the start of something new"

“One stage has ended, a new one will begin”

When you see that your friend has closed in on himself and can only talk about the problem that torments him, then translate the topic - talk about butterflies and plans for the weekend. If they don’t keep up a conversation with you on their own, then involve them with questions - ask for an opinion on your new suit and the planned conference, ask them to tell you something related to the professional sphere of a friend.

Not so much semantic as affectively rich phrases help to calm a person in hysterics. Those. a quiet and calm begging a person to think about his behavior can be useless, but a terrible cry with an order to shut up can easily bring to life.

If a person is sane, his actions are adequate to what is happening, but it’s hard for him, then discuss his feelings with him more. It is not your advice and words that are valuable here, but the opportunity for a person to be in the center of attention, to feel true support, when all the time and space is dedicated to him.

Remember that not only words will help to calm a person, but silence and hugs can divide and reduce sadness, calm down, and bring back a vivid experience of emotions.

In the article you will learn:

How to calm a person in hysterics by psychological methods?

Hello friends! Have you had to deal with inappropriate behavior of close people, friends? I had to. And it was not the most pleasant occupation. Then I was confused and did not understand what to do, how to calm a person in hysterics. Firstly, it was scary for him - it is not known what he will do. Secondly, it is terrible to feel your own impotence when you really want to help.
But that was a long time ago. We all get a bit blown away by the winds of change sometimes. And now I know how to provide first aid to the victim, I know how, I practice. And, of course, I'm happy to share my findings with you.

Don't let the hurricane blow

A person who is in a hysterical fit screams a lot, speaks emotionally, may cry, make nervous movements and rash acts. The deep purpose of such behavior is demonstrative, the desire to involve in one's own volcano of experiences.
Therefore, the task of the one who is nearby is to extinguish it at the stage of conception. But not words, in this case they may not help, but, on the contrary, harm. Any response, especially the same emotional and negative one, can provoke the further development of a nervous breakdown.

To calm a person, you need to give valerian or bring ammonia in the very first minutes. Any sedative, except alcohol! Also stick to the rule, silence is golden. That is, do not try to calm down verbally and, moreover, do not get excited in this situation yourself, do not swear and do not shout.
Better hug tightly and wait until the emotions subside. After a couple of minutes, start gently, calmly asking questions and discussing the problem.

Intensity of emotions

If the process does not stop and there is no reaction to your attempts, then you will have to resort to harsh methods. When a person is trembling and shaking, there is no point in hugging and reassuring. Actions are needed that will distract a person from his condition.
To stop the tantrum, we need to ask distracting questions that will turn on the logic of our mentally affected person. Ask about work, kids, things that are not related to the problem. Try to turn on the brains of the "crazy". This method, by the way, is good if you have to reassure a person over the Internet.
If the attempt is hopeless, proceed to physical actions:

- clap your hands
- Press pain point just below the elbow
- slap but be careful not to be bitten
- shake your shoulders two or three times
- splash a glass of water
- pour water under the shower
- drop a chair
- jump on the windowsill, table

Such distractions can pull a person out of his state and calm the raging nerves. After that, you should give short commands “Drink water!”, “Come with me!”, “Lie down!”, They also contribute to the restoration of a normal psyche.
Since after a tantrum, as a rule, a breakdown occurs, then, in accordance with the commands, give a glass cold water or hot tea and put to bed. Now you can console with words, support, encourage, talk. But, in no case do not read morals and do not teach! “I told you”, “I warned you” - such phrases should not be.

Safety

When trying to stop inappropriate behavior, think about safety rules:
1. Never leave a person alone. Be there if the tantrum continues. An exception may be when the process has just begun and you can return to the victim at any time faster than 1 minute.
2. Remove everything from the room dangerous items. Especially a lot of them in the kitchen. Therefore, hide the knives and forks, or take the person to another room.
3. At the beginning of the article, I mentioned that the hysteria was caused by demonstrative reasons, so it is necessary to clear the room from all third parties. And if the tantrum occurred on the street or in the crowd, then take them to a secluded place. Deprive the actor of his audience.

Think also about the psychological safety of a person who has been unsettled. After he has calmed down, be sure to talk to him about the problem. Do not leave him alone with his misfortune. Do not lead conversations in a different direction, but listen calmly and carefully.
I emphasize that it is important not to become infected with other people's emotions. Avoid excessive sympathy, pity. If necessary, let me cry. But think about your own condition, do not take everything to heart.
In addition, do not give any recommendations in this situation and do not offer solutions to the problem. Because in this moment there is a process of understanding what happened. To solve this in any way, a person is now not able to. And your suggestions can only cause a new wave of experiences.

If a child is hysterical

For infants, loud crying is a signal of discomfort, pain, unmet need. For older children, crying, hysteria is often a way of manipulating parents to get what they want.
And, as a rule, it is very difficult for parents to calm down a raging child. No matter how they persuade, or exhort or threaten, nothing happens. Over time, such manipulations become a habitual pattern of behavior.

The task of mothers and fathers is to accustom their child to the fact that not all of his desires can come true. How to stop the violent protests of the baby?
1. Parents should master themselves first. It makes no sense now to explain to the child the reasons for the refusal, to yell at him and attack him. Moreover, there is no need to punish! If it's difficult, move away from him. But without emotional outbursts and comments, calmly.
2. If you see that your child is frightened by his own reaction and "crazy", then hug him, provide support. Explain, if he does not show irritation, that this happens and it will pass. The kid should not worry about this.
3. Next, distract the child with a game, an interesting cartoon, a treat. And don't focus on what happened.
4. Unfortunately, most often children begin to behave uncontrollably in shops, clinics, on the street. In this case, you need to go to where there are fewer people and turn away from the crying child. Deprived of spectators, he will quickly stop making noise.

In addition to the fact that the main task is not to be led to provocations, parents must understand why their little blood does this. Perhaps this is the only way to express their desires when parents are too authoritarian. Then you should reconsider your attitude towards the child and become more democratic.
Or she does this because she does not know how to show her emotions. In this case, you need to teach it. For example, talk about the emotions that the child is experiencing. “Now you are annoyed, but this is temporary”, “I see that you are angry now”, etc.

Preventive measures

Most The best way from stressful situations for adults and children is not to allow them. Of course, we cannot influence events that do not depend on us. For example, difficulties at work, accidents or the loss of a loved one. But many nervous conditions can be avoided by discussing problems in time.
Do not wait for them to accumulate and explode, but to speak out, to show emotions towards them. Throw out everything that is unpleasant to the soul. If necessary, contact a specialist in time. Or use those psychological methods that I told you about today.

With love to you, June!
Let me remind you that you can subscribe to news. And if you liked the article, share it with your friends. Bye everyone!

And which ones are not worth it? the site will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

• shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, problems with sleep.
• phase of suffering. Lasts 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. There may be pain in the stomach and a sensation of a lump in the throat. If a person is experiencing the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
• Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan one's activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less.
• recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief is replaced by sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Should the person be comforted? Undoubtedly yes. If the victim is not helped, then this can lead to infectious, heart disease, alcoholism, accidents, depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as much as you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person does not listen to you or does not show attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console unfamiliar people? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person does not push you away, does not run away, does not scream, then you are doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in comforting familiar and unfamiliar people? In fact, no. The only difference is that you know one person more than the other. Once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, involve in common activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So let's look at the methods psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.

shock phase

Your behavior:

• Don't leave the person alone.
• Gently touch the victim. You can take the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, relatives can be stroked on the head, hug. Watch the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch, does he repel you? If repulsive - do not impose, but do not leave.
• Make sure that the comforted person rests more, does not forget about meals.
• Keep the casualty busy with simple activities, such as some sort of funeral arrangements.
• Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and then return to emotional experiences. Refuse advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand it. Help the victim to simply speak out his feelings and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

• Talk about the past in past tense.
• If you know the deceased, tell something nice about him.

Can't say:

• “You can’t recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong”. These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
• “God’s will for everything” (helps only deeply believing people), “Was exhausted”, “He will be better there”, “Forget about it”. Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, because they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
• “You are young, beautiful, you will get married / have a baby.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And he is invited to dream.
• “Now, if the ambulance arrived on time”, “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to her”, “Now, if I didn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. First, history does not tolerate subjunctive mood and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.

Phase of suffering

Your behavior:

• In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
• Give to the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
• Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
• If the victim wants to cry, do not interfere with him to do it. Help him cry. Do not hold back your emotions - cry with him.
• If he shows anger, don't interfere.

Your words:

How to console a person: the right words

• If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the realm of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings”. Talk about how you feel.
• Tell me that this suffering is not forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
• Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. The tactful avoidance of these topics hurts more than the mention of the tragedy.

Can't say:

• “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
• "And someone is worse off than you." Such topics can help in a situation of divorce, parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare the grief of one person with the grief of another. Comparative conversations can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

It makes no sense to tell the victim: “If you need help, contact / call me” or ask him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little - take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema with him. Sometimes it has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to be intrusive. Time will pass and he will appreciate your help.

How to support a person if you are far away?

Call him. If he does not answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write sms or email e-mail. Express condolences, report your feelings, share memories that characterize the departed from the brightest sides.

Remember that it is necessary to help a person survive grief, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, it will help to survive the loss not only to him. If the loss touched you too, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less loss to your own mental state. And it will also save you from feelings of guilt - you will not reproach yourself for the fact that you could help, but did not, brushing aside other people's troubles and problems.

To begin with, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know a person as flaky, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. “There are certain general stages of grief. You can fully focus on them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs an individual approach, ”explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.

Our experts:

Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Nina Rubshtein Gestalt Center

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

How to support a person if he is in shock

Stage #1: usually a person is in complete shock, confusion and simply cannot believe in the reality of what is happening.

What to say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be there without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people, tactile contact is very important, the ability to see the interlocutor in front of you live. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not needed,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to be around and at the same time refuses to communicate, do not try to talk to him. Contrary to your expectations, it will not get easier for him. It is worth talking about what happened only when the loved one is ready for this. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to me, hold your hand, stroke your head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.

What to do. The loss of a loved one, sudden terrible illnesses and other blows of fate require not only reflection, but also many worries. Don't think that giving this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional return and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can be of help. A lot depends on what state your friend is in. You may have to take on organizational issues: call, find out, negotiate. Or give the unfortunate a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor's waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: put things in order, wash the dishes, cook food.

How to support a person if he is acutely worried

Stage #2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.

What to do. It is clear that it is difficult to communicate at this moment. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.

Words of condolence

“Most people, when expressing condolences, use conventional phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a courtesy and nothing more. But when it comes to a loved one, you need something more than a formality. There is, of course, no one-size-fits-all template. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.

1. If you don't know what to say, shut up. Better hug once again, show that you are there and ready to help at any moment.
2. Avoid expressions like “everything will be fine”, “everything will pass” and “life goes on”. You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. Such conversations are annoying.
3. Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate in this situation: "How can I help?" Everything else will have to wait.
4. Never say words that might devalue what happened. “And someone can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
5. If your goal is to give moral support to a friend, first of all you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm.

How to support a person if he is depressed

Stage #3: at this time, a realization of what happened comes to a person. Expect depression and depression from a friend. But there is good news: he begins to understand that he needs to somehow move on.

What to say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what it is. close person waiting for you.

1. Some people need to talk about what happened.“There are people who difficult situation it is vital to speak out loud your emotions, fears and experiences. A friend does not need condolences, your task is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but it’s not worth giving advice and putting in your five cents in every possible way, ”advises Marianna Volkova.
2. Some people need a distraction to get over grief. You are required to talk on extraneous topics, to involve a person in solving some issues. Invent urgent matters that require full concentration of attention and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
3. There are people who, in difficult life situations, prefer loneliness - it is easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get into his soul with the best of intentions. Simply put, forcibly "do good." Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are there and ready to provide all possible assistance at any time.

What to do.

1. In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiates, communicates and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
2. You have to help your friend step back a little from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option- sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, to the court or to yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
3. In the third case, you only need what you are asked for. Don't insist on anything. Invite “to go out and unwind” (what if he agrees?), but always leave the choice to the person and do not be intrusive.

How to support a person when he has already experienced grief

Stage #4: This is a period of adaptation. You could say rehab.

What to say. It was at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel, and other trappings of a mourning-free life.

What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, you don’t need to try to somehow “correctly” behave in his company. Do not try to forcefully cheer, shake and bring to life. At the same time, you can not avoid direct looks, sit with a sour face. The more habitually you adjust the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.

Visit to a psychologist

Whatever stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help they don't need. For example, forcibly send to a psychologist. Here you have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.

“Experiencing trouble, sadness is a natural process that, as a rule, does not need professional help,” says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “work of grief”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all the stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: to allow yourself to feel, to meet experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, “getting stuck” at any of the stages can occur. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”

Support cons

The tragedy experienced sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. This, of course, is not about the first, most difficult period. But you may be required to be present for long periods of time. yours personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed terms have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but spoiled relationships will be a natural result.

Equally important is the financial issue. It happens, time runs, everything that was needed has been done, and the need for investment does not disappear. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” recalls Anna Shishkovskaya. - Otherwise, the accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be nice not to lead to a scandal, but to mark the boundaries in time.

Personal dramas are just one of those troubles in which friends are known. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, it is worth rushing to help only if you sincerely want it.