Using a person for your own purposes. Everyone uses me! A victim of your own kindness. Let's take a closer look at these problems

and spoils for them. If you are too trusting, kind to others, if you fulfill every whim" good people", then you are most likely prey. Being a victim for a man is suicide. All your actions will come down to the fact that you will work for others, and not for yourself, and in return they will not even say “thank you” to you. And if they do say it, it will be such a false “thank you” that it would be better not to hear it at all. But today we will not complain, we will explain to you how you can identify manipulators, of which there are many.

Beat the dog with a stick, starve it, then pet it, feed it, hit it again and tame it again with handouts, and eventually it will start doing any tricks.
— Theodore Dreiser, Titan —

You are reminded of past mistakes

Manipulation is not a subtle art, but it hits such sore spots that sometimes it seems to you that the person is speaking sincerely. One of the most painful substances in your life is the past. Mistakes for which you are very, very ashamed. Perhaps you once behaved like a pig, or acted dishonestly, or ruined your business for the most stupid reasons. We are sure that you have such memories in your life. So, if in a conversation another person remembers your past in a negative (and sometimes positive) connotation, then he is probably manipulating you.

Pressure on your emotions

It's even worse when your emotions are knocked out of you. It doesn’t matter what: anger, compassion, panic, sadness. When a normal conversation makes you feel such emotions, it means that either you are treating the problem incorrectly (why are these worries?), or someone has provoked you, and provoked you on purpose. If this happens often, then you need to learn to control your emotions. For this purpose.

Call for " the right choice»

This is one of the most disgusting methods of manipulating your consciousness. Why? Because the person who calls for the “right choice” switches the places of truth and lies only so that you lean in his direction. It doesn't provide food for thought - instead it offers a ready-made answer. He says: “This is the right thing to do, but this is not the right thing to do, so do the right thing.”

But what the hell? Why do they decide for you what is right and what is wrong? Just think about it and stop being led - you are not a dog.

They say that “it will be better for everyone”

It's a tempting reason to get involved in something that won't do you any good, but be careful. Good intentions and "world peace" or "for all that is good and against all that is bad" are lousy constructs to use in own life. We are glad that you are such a kind person, but all this “goodness” may just be an illusion. To realize this, you must step away from the problem three steps to the side and look at it through the eyes of an observer. Ask yourself: “Why should I do this?” or “What will this bring me?” If there is no adequate answer, then don’t do it, and label the person who poured useless thoughts into your ears as a manipulator.

Your interests are not considered

Finally, the most the right way understand that you are being used as a bitch - your interests are not being considered. It's simple, right? And by interests we mean anything. Their role may be your ideas, your reputation, your authority, money. We live in a world of market relations, but people often appear who continue to dictate our living conditions without offering anything in return. You need to keep such people as far away from yourself as possible.

Let’s summarize: if you are required to act, then you must be offered a payment or service in return. You should feel grateful for being involved in other people's business. You must understand that your time will not be wasted. If this doesn’t happen, if your interests are ignored, then no matter how holy you are, don’t do it. Firstly, you will do something stupid and you will be used again and again. Secondly, you will instill in the manipulator the idea that you can always do this, but this should not be the case.

When someone takes advantage of us, our natural reaction may be to think that this person or these people are somehow superior to us. After all, they were able to control us in some way and so we think they have some psychological advantage and we submit to them.

Let's look at two examples:

Example 1: When a person is deceived by a scammer a large sum money, we believe that the fraudster is superior to the victim because he was smarter and more cunning than the person he deceived.

Example 2: In a relationship, when one partner cheats on the other partner, the person tends to say to himself, “How could I be so stupid?” and therefore the one who is unintentionally deceived gives superiority to the other who deceived him.

But these examples are just situations. It seems that a person is using psychological superiority towards another, but the reality is completely different.

In reality, when you dig deeper into the psyche of people who take advantage of others, such people are not perfect or superior. People who take advantage of others tend to have a psychological deficiency rather than a psychological superiority.

Next psychological problems tend to make a person more reliant on using other people to satisfy their unmet needs:

Let's take a closer look at these problems:

1. Lack of control:

We all have an innate need to feel in control, to be in control. This helps us feel psychologically confident. For example, we want to have a stable job, a safe house/apartment, reliable friends, and a reliable partner, etc. If a person does not have control in one area of their life, this can cause a rebound reaction where they try to control the person in order to feel protected. Their subconscious thinks like this: if they can control a person (any person), then they control this situation. The less control such a person has in his life, the more he will try to control those around him to compensate for this lack of control.

2. Lack of ability, talent:

Would you rather be the Wimbledon tennis champion or one of the Wimbledon doubles tennis champions? Would you rather be an Olympic gold medalist or a member of the relay team that won an Olympic gold medal? We would of course like to win the award ourselves because the achievement is greater when you do something for yourself. As for people who use others to get what they want, this indicates a lack of ability, talent on their part. For example, a guy, while meeting his friends, comes with different girls to impress them, maybe he was not able to impress his friends with his own merits and thus he uses other people to get what he wants.

3. Narcissistic tendencies (inclinations):

If someone feels superior to other people (narcissism), they will have a natural tendency to express this feeling of superiority over other people by using them or controlling them, in some way. The core of narcissism is weakness and helplessness. Similar people exaggerate, inflate their self-esteem and create an image of strength...to cover up real insecurity, insecurity, weakness and vulnerability, vulnerability.

4. Compensation for past inferiority:

If someone has failed to protect themselves in the past, then seeking someone to manage and control may be a compensation mechanism. Classic case- this is a bully, a bully. A large percentage of bullies have been bullied themselves, and then they look for someone to bully, so they “transfer” feelings of inferiority from themselves to another. If one person is taking advantage of another, it may be because they have also been subjected to this in the past and are now trying to use you as a compensatory mechanism from the past.

5. The problem of insecurity:

Some people who suffer from feelings of insecurity will try to compensate and take advantage of the person in the relationship. For example, some people who are dumped will immediately seek out and jump into new relationships as a compensation mechanism to combat the insecurities of the dumpee. They use a new person to help themselves cope with the uncertainty of being abandoned - defenselessness, they were too weak to fight on their own and at the expense of their own internal resources.

It is impossible to answer unambiguously the questions whether it is possible to use people in one’s interests or not, whether this is good or bad. Some will confidently say that it is impossible, others will say that it is entirely possible. In this article we will talk about how to take advantage of people, whether it is acceptable or not.

Motivation

You need to be fully aware of the fact that all people use each other to one degree or another. Friends use each other when they need help or want to share joy together. Children use their parents, parents take advantage of their children. The boss - his subordinates, the state - everyone, the wife - the husband and vice versa.

This list can go on endlessly, and the difference will only lie in the purpose of a person’s use of another person. For example, children's use of their parents cannot be seen as something bad. Children need parental care and care. But using the work of one person in order to appear better in front of other people can hardly be called a good deed.

The existence of humanity is possible only in interaction with each other, that is, using each other at certain moments in life. It is impossible to attribute this to a vice or a virtue. This must be taken for granted. But personal goals for how to use people may be different, and this must be distinguished from each other.

Some patterns

Decent people will always be happy if they, or the results of their physical or mental efforts, are used by other people for the benefit of society.
Dishonest people will react very aggressively and negatively to their use for socially beneficial purposes.
Decent people can use both dishonest and decent people for their own purposes.
Dishonest people will not be able to use decent people for dishonest purposes.
If you consider yourself to be decent people, but were used for dishonest purposes, then you have overestimated yourself.
The reason for overestimation is that you have analyzed the situation incorrectly.

Using people for deceptive purposes

Using motivation. Scammers use the needs of the victim to deceive. For example, gypsies scare women with illnesses of their loved ones and children, and after that they recommend removing the damage by paying for it with money or gold jewelry. This principle is universal for scammers. First you need to understand what a person wants, and then offer to fulfill his desires. If a person wants something very much, then his mind “fogs” and he sees only the fulfillment of his desires everywhere. This is a pattern that robbers use.
Using a person's feeling of love. A person in love is different from other people. He looks at the world, and especially at the subject of his feelings, through the rose-colored prism of his love, so a person who uses others for selfish purposes will only be happy about this. This is used, for example, by marriage swindlers or blackmailers.
Using noble goals. Fraudulent deception is often hidden behind noble goals: raising funds for the construction of a temple, orphanage or orphanage. Sometimes they even open accounts and collect money to treat sick children who are actually quite healthy. It’s just that every person wants to be noble. Therefore, in this case, scammers have found a way to exploit people, or rather their impulses.

Using subordinates

In any work team there are active and initiative people. And this, of course, is used by their leadership. But that's not bad. In this case, everyone wins. The employee has the opportunity for self-realization. The boss has his own benefits. In order for outsiders not to constantly tell a subordinate, “It’s given to you, but people are taking advantage of it,” it is necessary to competently communicate with such personnel and encourage them not only financially. Such subordinates can, for example, be allowed to come up with new products and encourage them financially if such products have become in demand. Of course, it is advisable not to miss such people from the team, which is why you need to know how to use ambitious and proactive people.

Such a subordinate definitely needs room for self-realization; he may be entrusted with the development of a fundamentally new line of business. Such people, after working for several years in the same position, lose interest in it and begin to think about something bigger, new and more interesting. In order not to miss out on your most valuable employee, you need to constantly prove to him that success depends on him not only in the area of work in which he is engaged, but also the profitability of the entire business as a whole. When a company has a completely new project, management should not even think about it. This kind of work should be entrusted to just such an employee. He should have a new field for self-realization.

Quite often, for such workers, realizing their own ambitions is a much greater motivation than salary. When they see a product they designed on a store shelf, they will be much more committed to their management because they will feel personally involved in the process. big business. Having entrusted an initiative employee with the management of his own separate project, you should not interfere with his work. The maximum that is possible is to stipulate the project goals, budget and deadlines. You need to become partners for a while. The boss must become more of an adviser to the subordinate, and must be able to listen to his suggestions regarding the implementation of the project. Monitoring the execution of the project should be carried out very carefully and delicately. The work of such a subordinate must not be interfered with. He should feel the value of his own work result and his personal participation in a big business, and not carry out the next order of his superiors.

It will be effective to use the ambition and initiative of employees, entrusting them with activities that will not fall under the responsibilities of other company employees. Of course, such an employee will need to extra work set a decent reward. But these costs will definitely be less than the costs of hiring a new employee to perform these tasks.

Using each other

But if you look at it, exploitation, that is, the use of man by man, is a completely normal phenomenon. And not just normal, but mandatory for the life of society. In any civilized society, people use each other, something else is important. It is important how to use people and for what purposes. And each of us uses the labor of another person, and the other person uses us, that is, our labor. And all this is summed up, becomes socially useful and common. Thus, as a result of mutual use of each other, a socially useful product is obtained.

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