Funny stories in English. Anecdotes, jokes and funny stories in English - a collection of the best British and American humor - Jokes and funny stories in English
We at Lingvistov often say that our task is to learn English in an interesting way. When you are captivated by the process itself and you see its meaning, then you will undoubtedly learn English quickly and painlessly. Therefore, we decided to diversify everyday life, filled with grammar and boring educational texts, and offer a selection of jokes on English! Funny stories in English will help you develop your language skills, expand your vocabulary and simply improve your mood.
Woops Sorry About That
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Bad Date Joke
“Hi Sarah, listen I just have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We'll speak.” Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now.” “No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
The child and his mother
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”
Homework
PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
TEACHER – “Of course not.”
PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”
* * *
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother"s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
* * *
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
* * *
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
Math, Physics, & Philosophy
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
News Stand
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw yesterday"s paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where"s the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”
School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Taking a walk in a park a colonel of a rather gloomy disposition saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. Having noticed the colonel from a distance, the lieutenant hid himself behind a tree.
The next day the colonel asked:
– Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?
“Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir,” answered the lieutenant.
While walking in the park, one stern colonel saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. Noticing the colonel from a distance, the lieutenant hid behind a tree.
The next day the colonel asks:
– Why did I see you in the park in civilian clothes last night?
“Because the tree wasn’t thick enough, sir,” answered the lieutenant.
Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle – information goes in and then it is never found again.
Student: Brains are like the Bermuda Triangle - information gets into it and is never found again.
Why did you leave your last job?
The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
Why did you leave your previous job?
The company moved and did not tell me where.
Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on. He found they were far too long.
He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. “The new trousers are too long? – he said. – They need shortening. Would any of you be so kind and do it for me, please?”
As soon as dinner was over and his mother had shortened the trousers to the same size as his old ones. It happened that she did not mention about it to her daughters.
Later on? the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind-hearted person and wanted to do him a favour, so she considerably shortened the trousers.- Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir, – answered the lieutenant.
Returning home from the cinema, the younger sister suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off each leg of the new trousers.
One day a young man went shopping and bought himself trousers. Arriving home, he went up to his room and tried them on. And he saw that they were too long for him.
Going down to the dining room, where his mother and two sisters were waiting for him for dinner, he said: “My new trousers are too long. They need to be shortened. Would any of you do this? I will be very grateful.”
As soon as lunch was over, the mother washed the dishes, went to her son’s room and shortened his trousers to the length of the ones he had worn. It so happened that she didn’t tell her daughters anything about it.
A little later, the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind-hearted girl, wanted to do her brother a favor and shortened her trousers thoroughly.
Returning from the cinema, the younger sister suddenly remembered her brother’s request. She hurried up to his room and cut off a large piece from each leg of his new trousers.
Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: You will go to jail.
Teacher: I killed a man. Rewrite this sentence in the future tense.
Student: You will go to prison.
An energetic American tourist had to come to visit the Warwick Castle in England. When the doorkeeper made his appearance, the American was studying his guide-book.
– Tell me, – the American said to the caretaker, – have you that famous vase still here? (shows its photo in the guide-book).
“Yes, sir,” was the reply.
– And the table that costs 10,000 dollars?
- Yes, sir.
– And have you still that portrait of Charles I by Vandyck?
“Oh yes, sir,” said the doorkeeper, “they are all here.” Won’t you come in and see them?
“No, I won’t, I have no time to lose,” replied the visitor. – As they are here right enough and I have seen them in my guide-book I can go on visiting other castles and museums. Good morning – and he hurried away.
One day, an energetic American tourist came to Warwick Palace in England. When the gatekeeper approached him, the American was studying his guidebook.
“Tell me,” the American turned to the gatekeeper, “is this famous vase (shows its photograph in the guidebook) still here?”
“Yes, sir,” was the answer.
- And the table that costs ten thousand dollars?
- Yes, sir.
– Is Van Dyck’s portrait of Charles the First still here too?
“Oh yes, sir,” said the gatekeeper, “they are all here.” Would you like to come and see them?
- No, I won’t come in. “I have no time to waste,” replied the visitor. – Since they are all there and I saw them in my guidebook, I can continue visiting other palaces and museums. Goodbye. And he hurried away.
Wife: If a Monster was my husband, I would have been much happier with him than with you…
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!
Wife: if I married a monster, I would be much better off with him than with you...
Husband: but marriages based on consanguinity are not allowed.
A man placed an advertisement “Wife wanted”. The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying “You can have mine.”
Chemist's Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It"s the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I"ll be damned if I didn"t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it , and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Everyone knows that laughter is the best cure for stress. Combine business with pleasure: read these short funny stories and practice your English with pleasure.
If you need to write a mystical story in English, I have prepared separately
My meeting with a traffic cop
My meeting with a traffic cop - Funny story from life
It was seven years ago.
I was driving to work.
I drove up to the office and broke a traffic rule — I crossed a double solid line on the road.
At that time, a police officer was standing on the street.
I thought he saw me go over the double lines.
But he kept standing.
I drove further slowly because I was near my office.
At that time, a car backed up.
The driver didn’t see my car, and smashed into it.
That police officer ran up to us and said to me:
“I have seen everything: you violated traffic rules, you have a dead body in your trunk, and drugs in your car.
Can I see your driver’s license?”
I’m standing, I’m hearing, and I can’t say anything.
Then he laughed and said: “Miss, please smile, you looked so upset that I had to tell you something to cheer you up” and let me go.
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
This was 7 years ago.
I was on my way to work.
I already arrived at the office, but I broke the rules traffic- crossed the double solid line.
And there was just a traffic police officer standing there.
I thought he saw me cross the line.
But he continued to stand.
Then a traffic cop runs up and says:
“I saw everything - you broke the rules, you have a corpse and drugs in your trunk.
Can I have your driver's license?"
I stand there listening and can’t say anything.
Then he laughed and said: “Girl, smile, you’re standing there so upset, I had to at least somehow make you laugh/encourage you,” after which he let me go.
Fortune and the man
One day a man was walking along the street. He carried an old bag in his hands. He was wondering why people who had so much money were never satisfied and always wanted more. “As to me,” he said, “if I had enough to eat, I should not ask for anything else.”
Just at this moment Fortune came down the street. She heard the man and stopped.
“Listen,” she said, “I want to help you. Hold your bag, and I shall pour diamonds into it. But every diamond which falls on the ground will become dust. Do you understand?”
“Oh, yes, I understand,” said the man. He quickly opened his bag and stream of diamonds was poured into it. The bag began to grow heavy. “Is that enough?” asked Fortune. “Not yet.” The man's hand began to tremble.
“You are the richest man in the world now.” Said fortune.
“Just a few more, and a few more,” said the man. Another diamond was added and the bag slipped. All the diamonds fell on the ground and became dust.
Fortune disappeared, leaving the man in the street.
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
One day a poor man was walking down the street. In his hands was an old bag. He walked and thought: “Why are people who have a lot of money never happy and always want more money?”
“As for me,” he thought, if I only had enough for food, I wouldn’t need anything more.”
At that moment, Fate passed him by. She heard the poor man and stopped.
“Listen,” she said, “I want to help you. Give me your bag, I'll fill it with diamonds. But if even one diamond falls to the ground, the entire contents of the bag will turn to dust. Understand?
“Oh, of course, I understand,” replied the poor man. He quickly opened his bag and diamonds fell into his bag. The bag became heavy.
"Enough?" asked Fate.
“Not yet,” the man answered, his hands trembling.
“You are the richest man in the world,” said Fate.
"More! Just a little more!” said the poor man.
At that moment, another diamond fell into the overflowing bag.
The bag slipped out of the poor man’s hands and fell to the ground, and the diamonds immediately became dust.
Fate disappeared, leaving the poor man on the street.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Everyone has heard of Sherlock Holmes. Everyone has read stories about Sherlock Holmes at one time or another. Sherlock Holmes was a famous detective. Actually, he was the most famous detective of all times.
The author of the Sherlock Holmes stories was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Once Sir Arthur arrived in Paris. He took a cab and asked the cabman to take him to the Ritz, the hotel where he was going to spend the night.
The cabman brought him to the hotel. When he received the fare he said:
“Thank you very much, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“How do you know who I am?” asked Sir Arthur. He was very much surprised.
“Well, sir, I read in the newspaper yesterday that you were coming to Paris from the South of France. I also noticed that your hair was cut by a barber in the South of France. Your clothes and especialy your hat told me that you were English. I put all the information together and quessed that you were Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“That is wonderful,” said Sir Arthur.
“You could recognize me though you knew very few facts.”
“Besides,” added the cabman. Your name is on both of your travelling bags. That also helped.”
So, the cabman played a good joke on Conan Doyle.
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
Everyone has heard of Sherlock Holmes. At one time or another, everyone has read stories about Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes was a famous detective. In fact, he was the most famous detective of all time.
The author of the Sherlock Holmes stories was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. One day Sir Arthur arrived in Paris. He took a taxi and asked the taxi driver to take him to the Ritz hotel where he was going to spend the night. The driver brought him to the hotel. When he received the fare, he said:
"Thank you very much, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"How do you know who I am?" - asked Sir Arthur. He was very surprised.
“Well, sir, yesterday I read in the newspaper that you are traveling to Paris from the south of France. I also noticed that you had your hair cut by a barber in the south of France.
Your clothes and especially your hat say that you are English. I put all these facts together and realized that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
“Wonderful,” said Sir Arthur. “You were able to recognize me knowing very few facts.”
“Besides,” added the cabman, “your name is on both of your travel bags. That helped too."
Thus, the cabman made a good joke on Conan Doyle.
Honesty is the best policy
A woodman was once working on the bank of a deep river. Suddenly his ax slipped from his hand and dropped into the water.
“Oh! I have lost my ax,” he cried. “What shall I do? Who can help me?”
Mercury heard the poor man’s cries and appeared before him.
‘What is the matter, poor woodman?’ he asked. “What has happened? Why are you so sad and unhappy?”
Mercury listened to the man’s story and then said, “Perhaps I can help you.” He dived into the river and brought up a golden ax. “Is this yours?” he asked. “No, that is not mine,” was the answer.
Mercury dived a second time and this time brought up a silver axe. “Is this yours?” he asked. Again the answer was “No.” So Mercury dived a third time and brought up the very ax that the woodman had lost. “That’s my ax,” cried the man. “Yes, that is my axe. Now I can work again.”
Mercury was so pleased with the follow’s honesty that at once he made him a present of the other two axes and disappeared before the man could say, “Thank you.”
The woodman went home very pleased with his good luck. He told his friends all about it and one of them decided to try his luck. So he went to the same place, dropped his ax into the river, and cried out: “Oh! I have lost my ax. What shall I do? Who can help me?”
Mercury appeared as before, and when he learned that man had lost his axe, he dived into the river. Again he brought up a golden ax. “Is this yours”? he asked.
“Yes, it is,” answered the woodman. “You are not telling me the truth,” said Mercury.
You will neither have this ax nor the one that you so foolishly dropped into the water.”
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
One day a woodcutter was working on the banks of a deep river. Suddenly the ax slipped out of his hands and fell into the water.
"Oh! “I lost my axe,” he exclaimed. "What should I do? Who can help me?
Mercury heard the cries of the poor man and appeared before him.
“What happened, poor guy?” he asked. “What happened? Why are you so sad and unhappy?
Mercury listened to the man's story and then said, “Perhaps I can help you.” He dived into the river and picked up the golden axe. "Is this your axe?" he asked. “No, it’s not mine,” was the woodcutter’s answer. Mercury dove a second time, and this time he picked up the silver axe. “Is this yours?” he asked. Again the answer was “No”. Mercury dived for the third time and picked up the ax that the woodcutter had lost. “This is my ax,” exclaimed the poor man. “Yes, this is my axe. Now I can work again."
Mercury was so pleased with his friend's honesty that he immediately made him a gift of two other axes and disappeared before the man could say, “Thank you.”
The woodcutter returned home very pleased with his luck. He told his friends about all this, and one of them decided to try his luck. He approached the same place, dropped the ax into the river and shouted: “Oh! I lost my axe. What should I do? Who can help me?
Mercury appeared as before, and when he learned that the man had lost his axe, he dived into the river. He picked up the golden axe. "Is this your axe"? he asked.
“Yes, it’s mine,” answered the woodcutter. “You are not telling the truth,” said Mercury.
You won’t get this ax and yours, which you foolishly threw into the water.”
A present from the son
Long ago there lived an old woman in England. She had a son who was a sailor. He went to different countries and always brought presents for his old mother.
Once he went to China and brought some tea from that country.
At that time tea was very expensive and only rich people could buy and drink it. So the old woman was very happy to have such a nice present. But she didn’t know what to do with it as she had never bought tea before. She thought it was a vegetable. She told her friends about her son’s present and invited them to taste it with her. At last the day of the tea-party came. The woman called her guests to the dining-room and put a big dish of tea leaves on the table. The guests began to eat the leaves with salt just as they ate vegetables. Nobody liked it but didn’t tell the woman about it and continued to eat the leaves.
Some tome later the sailor came into the room. When he saw that all the guests were eating leaves, he smiled.
“What are you doing? Why are eating these leaves? Where is the tea?”
“Here it is, my son,” the old woman said.
“And where is the water in which you have boiled the leaves?” asked the man laughing.
“I threw it away, of course,” answered the woman.
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
Once upon a time in England there lived an elderly woman. She had a son who was a sailor. He traveled to different countries and always brought gifts to his old mother.
One day he went to China and brought tea from this country. At that time, tea was very expensive, and only rich people could buy and drink such tea. Therefore, the old lady was very happy to have such a pleasant gift. But she didn't know what to do with such tea, since she had never bought it before. She thought it was a vegetable.
She told her friends about her son's gift and invited them to try this tea. Finally the day of the tea party arrived. The woman called her guests into the dining room and placed a large dish of tea leaves on the table. The guests began to eat the leaves with salt, as they did when they ate vegetables. Nobody liked it, but no one told the old woman about it, and continued to eat the leaves.
Some time later the son entered the room.
When he saw that all the guests were eating the leaves, he smiled.
"What are you doing?
Why are you eating these leaves?
Where's the tea?
“Here he is, my son,” said the old woman.
“Where is the water in which you boiled the leaves?” - the son asked, laughing.
“Of course, I poured it out,” the mother replied.
I’m four years old at home, and two and a half in buses and trains
A mother and her young son got into a bus and sat down. The bus conductor came up to them and asked them to pay the fare. The mother said, ‘I want one ticket to Oxford,’ and gave him a shilling.
The conductor was looking at the small boy for a few seconds and then said, ‘How old are you, young man?’
The mother began speaking, but the conductor stopped her, and the boy said, ‘I’m four years old at home, and two and a half in buses and trains.’
The mother took sixpence more out of her bag and gave it to the bus conductor.
He gave her one ticket and a half.
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
A young woman with a small child entered the bus and sat down on the seat. The bus conductor approached them and asked them to pay for the fare. Handing over one shilling, the woman says: “I need one ticket to Oxford.”
Looking at the child, the conductor asked the mother: “How old are you, young man?”
The woman started to speak, but the conductor stopped her and the boy said: “At home I’m four years old, but on buses and trains I’m 2.5.”
The woman took another sixpence from her bag and gave it to the conductor. And he gave her one adult and one child ticket.
I prefer to play the part of a great man on the stage
Once David Garrick, a famous actor, was told by a Member of Parliament that as he was so popular he could easily become an MP too. “No thank you,” the actor replied. “I prefer to play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool in Parliament.”
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
Since David Garrick was a famous actor, one day, one of the members of parliament told him that the actor could easily join parliament.
“No, thank you,” the actor replied.
“I prefer to play the role of a great man on stage than a fool in parliament.”
Can my dog have a seat in the bus?
One wet day a woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a very big dog and its feet were dirty.
The woman said, “Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog, can he have a seat like the other passengers?”
The conductor looked at the dog and then said, “Certainly, madam, he can have a seat, but like the other passengers, he mustn’t put his feet on it.”
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
One rainy day, a woman with a dog got on the bus. The dog was very big and had dirty paws. The woman asked, “Conductor, can my dog sit on the seat like other passengers if I pay for its fare?”
The conductor looked at the dog and replied: “Of course, madam, the dog can sit down, but she, like all passengers, should not sit with her feet on the seat.”
Why do men in this country wear black when they marry?
Mrs. Robinson was a teacher in a big school in an American city. She had boys and girls in her class, and she always enjoyed teaching them, because they were quick and because they thought about everything carefully.
One day she said to the children: “People in a lot of countries in Asia wear white clothes at funerals, but people in America and in Europe wear white clothes when they're happy, what color does a woman in this country wear when she marries, Mary?
Mary said, “White, Miss because she’s happy.”
“That's good, Mary,” Mrs. Robinson said. “You're quite right. She wears white because she’s happy.”
But then one of the boys in the class put his hand up.
“Yes, Dick,” Mrs. Robinson said. “Do you want to ask a question?”
“Yes, Miss,” Dick said. “Why do men in this country wear black when they marry?”
TRANSLATION OF TEXT
Mrs. Robinson was a teacher in a large school in an American city. She had boys and girls in her class, whom she loved to teach because... they grasped everything on the fly and carefully studied the material. She once told the children:
“People in many Asian countries wear white clothes for funerals, while in America and Europe we wear white clothes for holidays when we are happy. What color clothes will a girl wear in our country when she gets married?”
“White, Miss, because she’s happy,” Maria answered.
“Okay, Maria,” Mrs. Robinson said. “You're absolutely right. She wears white because she is happy."
But then one of the students in the class raised his hand.
“Yes, Dick,” said Mrs. Robinson. “Do you want to ask a question?”
“Yes, Miss,” Dick replied.
“Why do our men wear black clothes when they get married?”
I have been teaching English for a long time, and my method includes independent reading, which looks something like this: after each lesson, I send the student a story in English by e-mail, which he reads at home (sometimes he also listens if there is audio for the text), and the next lesson he retells it to me.
Now I decided to post these stories so that everyone can use them - both those who are learning English on their own and looking for something interesting to read, and teachers like me who are constantly looking for material for their students.
Stories in English are divided into three categories: simpler, medium complexity and more complex. Most texts come with audio, in which case you can listen to the story directly on the reading page or download it in mp3 format. Unfortunately, there are no materials for children here - all texts are intended for adults. Some of them are adapted, others are not. The authors are very different: some of the stories were written by O'Henry, some by Mark Twain, others are written by lesser-known and more modern English and American writers. But absolutely everything has been tested on my students and approved by them.
The list of texts is constantly updated. Read, listen, learn and teach others!
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