Female jealousy, or how to kill love. Why does jealousy destroy relationships? My jealousy killed my love
Nowadays you can constantly hear how much they talk about human jealousy. But none of us are safe from it. As a rule, one of the partners in a couple contributes to the emergence of situations that cause feelings of jealousy in the second partner. Sometimes these situations can revive a fading relationship, but often they can lead to conflicts, even breaking up the relationship.
How does jealousy appear and why? Is it one of the character traits or is it one of the human feelings? Why is a woman’s jealousy often the reason for the breakup of relationships? And in general, is it possible to somehow cope with it? First you need to figure out where this emotion came from.
The appearance of such feelings as jealousy is provoked by the manifestation of one’s own fears. Here is a list of the most common women's fears during relationships: fear of losing a soul mate, fear of becoming unnecessary to a loved one, fear of being left alone. These fears are mainly caused by low self-esteem, and this entails too strong a woman’s attachment to her man.
Also, the basis for the emergence of fears are the beliefs and attitudes that a woman is guided by every day, for example: “I should be the only woman in my partner’s life,” “my man must devote every free minute to his family,” “a woman and a man are not friends as friends.” can coexist." And when a man stops behaving in accordance with one of the female attitudes, or commits actions that pose a danger to her self-esteem, a woman’s defense mechanism is triggered, manifested in the form of jealousy.
Jealousy is a carefully disguised fear for oneself and one's self-esteem. A woman’s jealousy has a detrimental effect on relationships, as a woman either provokes conflicts or suppresses her negative emotions. Frequent quarrels do not make a love relationship better and do not help to understand each other. Even if a lady does not openly demonstrate her jealousy, this feeling will sooner or later manifest itself in her dissatisfaction with the relationship and dissatisfaction.
The stronger sex, without even knowing what their other half feels and thinks, understands everything perfectly, based on her mood and behavior. That is, if a woman is constantly dissatisfied, then the man himself will be dissatisfied with such a relationship.
What should you do to protect your feelings and relationships from the negative influence of jealousy?
1. If a case arises in which you suddenly begin to be jealous of your partner, do not rush to blame him for it.
2. Find out for yourself what exactly can cause you pain, be it some kind of fear or attitude.
3. Discuss this problem with your man. Tell him what you felt at that moment and why. Try to convey your emotions to him and persuade him not to create such situations again.
The most important thing is your work with internal attitudes and fears. A person himself has the power to abandon the beliefs that prevent him from loving and living happily.
If you have never experienced a feeling of jealousy in your life, you can confidently be called lucky. According to statistics, most often marriages break up precisely because of jealousy. And this is not surprising, since jealousy can destroy any, even the strongest relationships.
In a truly loving heart, either jealousy kills love, or love kills jealousy.
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
What kind of jealousy is there?
Feelings of jealousy can be divided into several types, which differ depending on the individual psychological characteristics of a person. Some will begin to be jealous only after their partner cheats, while for others the most insignificant detail is enough for this. Some people create scandals with screams, hysterics and “breaking dishes”, while others hide the “shameful” feeling deep within themselves - they smile on the outside and cry on the inside.
Why is it impossible not to be jealous?
It is impossible to learn under any circumstances not to be jealous of a loved one. Why? This is inherent at the level of instincts - a sense of possessiveness inherent in everyone. You can only not be jealous of someone who is unloved.
As long as jealousy is within acceptable limits, it does not become chronic and pathological - it is a normal human feeling that can strengthen relationships.
What is the essence of jealousy - what does it mean? That they are afraid of losing you. What does its complete absence mean? Possible indifference.
Is jealousy a sign of love?
We must understand that jealousy itself is not a sign of love.
In most cases, this feeling is not generated by devotion, but by inflated pride and a painful fear of loneliness. Severe jealousy can destroy even long-term relationships.
The border of the unacceptable is crossed at the moment when the partner ceases to be perceived as a separate and free person, and becomes just a “toy” that must live according to clearly established rules. After this, any deviation in behavior begins to be perceived as a personal insult, betrayal, which leads to serious conflicts.
Is jealousy bad?
The popular proverb “to be jealous means to love” is, in fact, incomplete, since the true proof of love is rather respect for the personality of the partner and the ability to trust him.
Jealous people tend to show excessive suspicion and offend their loved ones with their attacks.
Pathological jealousy
It is possible and necessary to fight painful jealousy. How else to preserve and build long-term harmonious relationships? A sign of pathology can be the occurrence of this destructive feeling without any objective reasons - obvious flirting or lies on the part of the partner.
Collecting statistics on jealous people, psychologists found that they have a strategy for building dependent relationships and low self-esteem. Such people lack confidence in their appearance and self-sufficiency on other fronts. Most of them are morbidly suspicious; their trust cannot be earned in any way. In addition, by “love” such people understand the suffering they feel in relation to another person, which is quite rarely based on a real constructive feeling of love.
“There is coarse jealousy - when you don’t trust the one you love; there is subtle jealousy - when you don’t trust yourself.”
Quote from Filippo Pananti
What are jealous people afraid of?
The main reason why jealous people are afraid of their partner’s betrayal is possible loneliness and the need to look for a “soul mate” again. They are always emotionally dependent on their loved one; it seems to them that their partner never loved them or has stopped loving them and is preparing to leave.
Jealous people tend to create hysterical scandals and threaten their lives if their loved one leaves. The essence of jealousy in such behavior lies in low self-esteem, because of which jealous people do not believe in their own strengths, in the fact that they will be needed by someone else, someone better.
It happens that excessive pride and fear of the collapse of their own image make people feel jealous even towards someone who was not needed in the first place. This type of jealous person believes that cheating on their partner will undermine their authority in the eyes of others and make them appear sexually unattractive. In this case, we are not talking about love.
Jealous people are cheaters
In addition, those who themselves often “walk to the left” tend to be jealous. They view their partner through the prism of their relationship and believe that their loved one is doing the same thing as them - searching for sexual desires on the side. Such jealous people are not inclined to believe in devotion and monogamy.
Jealousy when communicating
Sometimes the reason for jealousy is a different understanding of the norms of communication with the opposite sex: someone considers it acceptable and normal to joke and flirt with everyone, but another is offended by this. Jealousy of this type is also typical of those guys who do not believe in friendship between a man and a woman, so any communication between their significant other and friends of the opposite sex is met with hostility.
What to do?
If jealousy begins to hurt both partners and destroys their love, then you need to directly discuss its reasons and look for ways to improve the situation.
“Being jealous means loving”, “jealousy in love is the same as seasoning in food”, “jealousy intensifies passion” - surely each of us has heard these sayings more than once, so many people treat the jealousy of lovers, if not positively, then with understanding. However, does jealousy really strengthen relationships and is evidence of love, or is it not so? Why is jealousy, despite the fact that many consider it one of the manifestations of love, often the cause of family quarrels, conflicts between lovers and even the breakup of families?
Jealousy and its causes
Most psychologists agree that jealousy is a destructive negative emotion that has little in common with love. People prone to pathological jealousy, according to experts, often have psychological and mental problems that arise as a result of mental turmoil, acquired complexes and psychological trauma received in childhood. There are three main reasons for jealousy:
1. Inferiority complex- low self-esteem and pathological make a person think that his loved one will find someone better and leave, and this fear is the cause of jealousy
2. Possessive attitude to a loved one - a selfish person sees in his partner not a full-fledged person with the right to personal space, but his “toy”, which should always be nearby and satisfy all the needs of the egoist, stroking his pride; the reluctance of a loved one to be the “property” of an egoistic partner causes jealousy in the latter
3. Fear to lose a loved one - as a rule, jealousy for this reason is inherent in people who have already experienced a severe loss in the past or; These people do not have the strength to let go of the past and they transfer their fears and negative experiences to new relationships.
The myth that jealousy strengthens relationships has long been debunked
Selfishness, fear, various complexes are the causes of jealousy, and love for a partner has nothing to do with this feeling. To make sure that jealousy in no way strengthens relationships, but only leads to mental suffering and is the cause of mutual resentment and conflicts between partners, it is enough to ask yourself two questions:
1. How do you feel when you are jealous? Are the emotions that accompany jealousy a feeling of joy, happiness, satisfaction? No, jealousy is accompanied by resentment, anger, dissatisfaction, anxiety and emotional distress. Jealousy is one of the most destructive feelings that can quickly ruin the mood of the jealous person himself and deprive him of peace of mind for a long time.
2. How do you feel when you are jealous, especially if the jealousy is groundless? Only at the beginning of a relationship, a partner’s jealousy may seem pleasant, but very soon constant suspicions and discontent begin to irritate. Jealousy on the part of a loved one increasingly seems to the other partner to be an interference in his personal space, unreasonable mistrust and a desire to control, which leads to conflicts and can cause a break in the relationship.
It is obvious that jealousy does not strengthen relationships and over time can kill even the strongest and most sincere love. It is quite difficult for jealous people to build a strong family with someone, since only a person with a habit of being constantly jealous and not trusting can be around for a long time. people with a stable psyche will very quickly get tired of constantly making excuses to a jealous partner, and they will prefer to break off the relationship. Therefore, those who dream of a happy relationship with their loved one need to get rid of jealousy towards their partner.
How to get rid of jealousy
There is no cure for jealousy, so in order to learn how to build relationships without this feeling, you need to do some serious work on yourself. In order to get rid of jealousy, you need to eliminate the reasons that lead to it - get rid of your fears and complexes, and also learn to respect the right of each person to personal space. Psychologists recommend that jealous people adhere to several recommendations with which they can curb their jealousy and, over time, completely get rid of it:
1. Realize that jealousy does not benefit relationships, but only destroys them. Constant mistrust, questioning, viewing the log of incoming calls on your partner’s phone, reading his SMS, quarrels with a loved one due to jealousy, and even spying on your chosen one (darling) - are these measures, driven by jealousy, really helping to strengthen relationships? On the contrary, they can cause dissatisfaction and resentment on the part of the partner and lead to a cooling of the love relationship. “It is either pointless or too late to spy on your spouse,” said some smart person, and he is completely right: if he either leaves, his partner’s jealousy will not stop him.
2. Realize and eliminate your fears. Often the cause of jealousy is the fear of losing a loved one, therefore, in order to stop being jealous, you need (no matter how pretentious it may sound) to look your fear in the eye. No one is immune from parting with a loved one, but separation is not the end of life. Therefore, you need to accept the fact that there is always a possibility of separation from your partner, and realize that even if this happens, life will not stop, and your suffering after separation will not be endless.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others and “winding up” yourself. Many jealous people think that their loved one will sooner or later leave for someone smarter, more beautiful, more successful, etc.; They see every acquaintance of the same sex as a potential rival. Every time such thoughts arise, you need to remember that your loved one chose you and not someone else, which means he loves you and there is no place in his heart for others. Therefore, you need to try to preserve love, and not offend your partner with mistrust and jealousy.
4. Develop relationships. A happy and trusting relationship with a partner is the best remedy for jealousy, because if you are sure that your loved one is happy with you, then it will be much easier to cast aside suspicions and doubts and stop being afraid that separation will happen. Therefore, it is better to replace useless jealousy towards a loved one with care for him, confidential communication and joint work.
5. Improve yourself. Complexes and lack of self-confidence are often the causes of jealousy, therefore, in the chosen business, acquiring new useful knowledge, communicating with different people and increasing the range of your own interests, you can not only increase your self-esteem and overcome complexes, but also get rid of the habit of jealousy.
Jealousy poisons relationships and can even destroy them. Here are the ways:
This automatically means that you don't trust your partner
Trust is an integral part of any relationship, and if you feel jealous, if, for example, your partner spends a lot of time with another person of the opposite sex, it implies that you do not trust him.
Your partner will feel constant pressure
A little jealousy means that you just love your partner very much and you don't want anyone else to have them the way you do. This is fine. But if you are constantly worrying and asking questions about where your partner goes out or spends time when he is not with you, he will feel constant pressure.
You will seem insecure
Again, a little jealousy is good, but when it gets out of control, you won't have any confidence or self-respect. This is completely unattractive to anyone, so you should reconsider your behavior.
Resistance will grow
Over time, your jealous attitude will encourage your partner to resent you, but you will continue to pressure him with this, so the situation may get out of control.
It often causes depression and anxiety
Jealousy can make you feel very insecure and turn anxiety into deep depression.
It causes isolation in your relationship.
If you don't allow your partner to date other people, what do you do for fun?
It perpetuates irrational thinking
An integral part of relationships is the ability to think on the same page—as a team working together to achieve a common goal. But crazy jealousy is not rational. You are jealous of your partner of all the women at work, even if he doesn't talk to most of them.
How to banish jealousy?
If your jealousy stems from feeling like you're not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough, you're losing your sense of self-worth and you need to start rethinking everything about yourself, because rest assured, you have a lot of strengths.
Trust your partner
Some people have the mistaken impression that trust is a guarantee from another person. On the contrary, trust comes from you, the one who trusts. You don't know for sure that the other person will do what he says. But you have to decide whether you believe him or not.
Make friends outside of your relationship
If you're jealous of the friends your partner hangs out with, make your own! This is a great way to even the score and feel more comfortable.
And finally: feelings of jealousy are not always unfounded. In other words, there are times when you feel jealous because of evidence that leads you to believe that something is going on...
In this case, calmly and maturely ask your partner what is going on. Being able to have calm and mature conversations with your partner about what's bothering you is vital to a healthy relationship, and if you have a good partner, they will understand your concerns and help you sort things out.
Everyone knows the saying: " Jealous means he loves"But it does not always reflect the truth in our lives. After all, love should be based on trust. It is very disappointing to understand that your loved one does not trust you.
Healthy manifestation jealousy truly nourishes the power of passion, and love becomes stronger. But most often, jealousy carries a whole range of negative emotions. Jealousy is a destructive feeling. After all, when jealousy manifests itself, the one who is jealous and the one who is jealous suffers. A jealous person experiences and cannot discard thoughts that he hates, and the one who is jealous suffers, accepting groundless reproaches and accusations.
Jealousy- this is a desire to limit the freedom of a loved one, therefore it is based on the feeling of ownership: don’t touch mine! Usually people who experience some degree of inferiority complex are jealous. Jealousy tends to corrode a person from the inside. Due to his nature, a jealous person watches, catches and interrogates no worse than an investigator. Wanting to confirm his suspicions, he does not sleep at night and demands proof of his own fantasies. Even when the situation has already been discussed and the loved one has proven that he was faithful, a worm of doubt remains and self-torture begins inside the jealous person. He loses all sense of proportion and begins to be jealous even “of the post.” Every glance cast towards the “object of his desire” by a stranger becomes a reason for family scandals.
Naturally, sooner or later such relationship bother the person they are jealous of. Instead of love and care, a jealous person gives his loved one only irritation and mistrust. Jealousy destroys those feelings that have been burning for more than one year. She eats love, leaving only black ashes from the fire. Jealousy kills love and gives rise to deep feelings of hatred. Maybe it's true what they say, where jealousy begins, love ends.
Jealousy is inherent in people who are initially suspicious, with an unstable character and lack of self-confidence, who have psychological complexes. Some people don't feel jealous at all. They completely trust their significant other and consider being jealous beneath their dignity. Such people are self-confident and believe that it is very difficult to find a replacement worthy of them. If you are jealous, then try to figure it out; people who are not jealous and love themselves may be doing the right thing. You, too, are worthy of love and respect, and no less than the person you are jealous of. Each person has his own strengths and weaknesses, there is no need to underestimate yourself and see only the bad sides in yourself. Before you let your relationship fail, find out for yourself whether you really have reasons to be jealous. If there is no evidence of betrayal, it is better to let go of bad thoughts and trust your loved one.
But if jealous I am sure that the other half is cheating on him, then things may come to a break in the relationship. Someone mercifully forgives, believing that without a loved one it will only get worse. But jealousy remains and very often it becomes a habit. Jealousy keeps such people awake at night and is accompanied by chronic stress, which can lead to a wide variety of illnesses.
Jealousy, penetrating our lives, changes our personality. A jealous person's life values and beliefs change. He loses trust in people, which is why we often hear from women: “all men are deceivers and liars.” Losing love, the jealous person becomes unclear what to live for. His level of satisfaction with life falls and life turns into mere existence. Some people, motivated by painful jealousy, completely refuse affection and sex, so as not to receive such suffering anymore. Often this happens unconsciously, and the person does not even understand why he has lost all interest in the opposite sex.
This erosion of the meaning of life affects career, in business and the desire to achieve something in life. Professional life begins to collapse, along with the disappearance of personal incentive to live. Jealousy undermines our lives much more than just family quarrels and scandals. In such situations, seek help from psychologists.
Table of contents of the topic “Conflicts in Relationships”:
