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The future is no longer what it used to be. The future is not what it used to be text by George Carlin the future is not what it used to be

Editor Yu. Bystrova

Project Manager I. Seregina

Corrector M. Milovidova

Computer layout E. Sentsova, Y. Yusupova

Cover designer I. Yuzhanina

Published with permission from Hyperion. Originally published as When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? Hyperion, USA

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic copy of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet or corporate networks, for private or public use without the written permission of the copyright owner.

This book is dedicated to my amazing daughter Kelly: keeper of the sacred DNA, citizen of the world, and one of the few Buddhists in America who is truly good at playing poker.

Funds for this book came primarily from the starvation of a family of four in Tennessee.

Confessions

I am forever grateful to my editor, Gretchen Young, who endured the final barrage of edits and brought everything together. She also superbly organized a cover for me from the scoundrels at the publishing house, who were jealous of my beautiful teeth and constantly intrigued against me.

To my roommate, cutie Sarah Jane: I love you.

Of course, the people do not want to fight. But, in the end, politics is determined by those in power, and the people will easily go wherever they are driven, even under democracy, even under a fascist dictatorship, even under parliamentarism, even under the communists. Whether they vote or not, people can always be swayed to do what the rulers want. It's simple. You just need to say that the enemy is preparing to attack, and shut up the pacifists, declaring that they do not love their homeland and are abandoning it in trouble.

– Hermann Goering at the Nuremberg Trials

Everyone's tears are the same.

- one Irish woman

There is absolutely no time. And absolutely nothing to do.

– Oscar Levant

Our main responsibility is to have fun.

– Sydney J. Perelman

A new day has come. So we need to play.

– Sally Wade

Preface

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her. This is what infuriates me - the fact that I have to stay behind.

My advice: move forward without stopping. So every time you find yourself in a new place.

George's Celebration Message

This book comes out in the fall, so I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and good luck in the new year. It is clear that everyone cannot be lucky at once. Some of you will die next year, others will suffer accidents, injuries and mutilations, maybe even complete paralysis. Some will be overtaken by incurable diseases, others will be terribly burned in a fire. And let's not forget about robberies and rapes - there will be an abyss of them. It turns out that, despite my wishes, many of you will not live a happy and successful year. Try to live it as best as possible.

Thank you note

From the office of Pegasus-Coker Wade

What are you looking at?

On the occasion of the release of his new book, “The Future Isn't What It Used to Be,” I would like to wish the author good luck, and let the readers know that in the role of my representative and personal assistant, hired to quell rumors about my same-sex marriage and subsequent divorce from Sir Elton’s dog John, and also that I would soon become a father - George Carlin did not give me any trouble and faithfully carried out assignments, although he was often late, justifying himself with all sorts of nonsense like “other things to do.”

This guy is like us cocker spaniels, and we crave nothing more than the full and undivided attention of our neighbors; He has an easy, balanced character, which suits me quite well - if you don’t remember the time when, like Jesus at the Last Supper, he forgot to serve pork ribs. However, let's not start talking about food now. Well... or we will.

Regardless, I'm proud that one of my men—you, Mr. Carlin—didn't disappoint me the way fried tuna often does. And by the way, since we're talking about food, please let me know when those pork ribs finally arrive. We will eat them reverently and wash them down with a glass of good wine.

Modern man

I'm a modern guy
digital, non-smoking;
I'm from the new millennium.
Multifaceted, multicultural,
postmodernist, deconstructionist;
politically, anatomically, ecologically incorrect.
Rebroadcast and downloadable,
input and deleted.
High precision with low thoughts.
Advanced, extra class,
all-wheel drive, multi-tasking;
I give out a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I'm from the new wave, but old school;
and my inner kinder loves external connections.
I'm energized, heat-seeking,
soft-hearted cracker;
I work with voices that decompose into organic matter.
I'm looping through binary data;
I send tasks to the global network;
I'm interactive and hyperactive,
and at times radioactive.
At the tail of the table, at the head of events,
I'm flying on the wave, dodging arrows,
I'm pushing the limits.
I stand my ground, I stay on track, I stay afloat,
I'm not sitting on anything:
no coke, no speed - no nonsense;
and there’s no desire to drink and vomit.
At a pace, on the edge,
above the roof, but below the radar.
High profile, low profile,
strategic nuclear so-this-carrier.
Smart bomb on your mind.
Star bastard.
Folding cart chaser,
admirer of pretty girls, recipient of high visas.
Absolutely indefinite, seasoned, cannon-firing.
Proactive with wide coverage.
A raging workaholic who vehemently hates work;
not in the clinic, but in refusal.
There is a personal trainer,
personal assistant,
personal shopper,
personal planner.
You can't squeeze me
and you won’t be pushed aside.
After all, I am groovy, wireless.
Alpha male on beta blockers.
I don't buy promises
and good beyond expectation;
I run the hustle and follow fashion.
The soul is wide open, I myself am in seclusion;
modest rent, capricious care.
I am large-scale, long-term,
precision, instant action,
ready to go, fault tolerant.
On the step, unsteady at the knees, weak in the head;
prematurely post-traumatic,
receiving hate mail from the fruit of his love.
But I'm sensitive, caring,
I am responsive, sympathetic.
Reliable, loyal, caring,
I always provide first aid.
My productivity has dropped, but my income has increased
on short sales of long securities;
the influx of income brought cash turnover.
I don’t erase dubious letters
I don’t shun questionable food,
I don’t shy away from dubious bonds
and watch low-grade shows.
Gender sensitive, capital intensive,
easy to use hypolactosic.
I love rough sex and wicked love.
I write “e-mine” in e-mails.
There is no soft porn on my hard drive:
only the most hardcore software.
I bought a microwave in a supermarket.
And the minivan is in the megastore.
I drive slowly and eat fast food.
I'm excise-free, easy-to-bite, ready-to-wear,
All sizes available.
Equipped with everything, with the factory mark,
tested on humans, clinically approved,
scientifically proven medical miracle.
Planted, cooked, heated,
pre-screened, pre-selected, assembled,
post-dated, sublimated, sealed,
in vacuum packaging.
And... I have unlimited broadband.
The boy is a bully, but if you get the hang of it, you can't go wrong.
Poor and shabby.
In any weather, on alert;
reckless, dodgy, grated roll.
I go with the flow without unnecessary zeal;
I grow with the tide, I glide as I go.
I'm floundering, I'm spinning, I'm not sitting down,
I'm enjoying myself and I'm working, I'm grinding and I'm fine.
I don't play magic, which means I don't lose.
I'm drowning a piece of iron
for the entire trip.
I have a party, but for lunch I have sausage.
I am again for my own sake, and nothing else.
That's the only way.
End of transmission.

Euphemisms: already a whole newspeak

Euphemisms have flourished in all areas of American life and pop up here and there. They have different natures, but a common essence: these words do not clarify the meaning, but cloud it; veil the truth. However, they are used, and for many reasons.

Sometimes we simply replace words that confuse us. For example, euphemisms " white meat", "dark meat" and "ham" appeared in the Victorian era, when people preferred not to mention certain parts of their body. Few people wanted to hear from Uncle Herbert at dinner: “Don’t thighs, Margaret, give me those juicy rosy ones breast" Such phrases caused awkwardness.

In the same era and for the same reason, chicken navels turned into stomachs. But the word “stomach” sounded too physiological and soon became “stomach”. Which is, in general, a little sad.

I first encountered euphemisms at the age of nine. We were sitting in the living room with Mom and Aunt Lil, and I started talking about the wart on Auntie's face. My mother immediately corrected me: not a wart, but a “beauty mark.”

Here I was embarrassed, because the word “beauty” did not fit Aunt Lil in any way. And he became even more embarrassed when he remembered that Uncle John also had the same brown thing on his face, and in his case it was definitely not a beauty ID. I've since learned that not everything that looks like a wart is a wart: for some people, they're actually marks. With them, as I found out a little later, and expression wrinkles look like crow's feet.

By the way, this nonsense with “marks” worked perfectly: it got to the point that some ladies began to draw them on themselves with an eyebrow pencil - and not a single self-respecting lady would even think of drawing a wart on her face. I can hardly imagine Elizabeth Taylor turning to Joan Crawford and asking: “Give me your pencil, Joanie, I want to draw a wart.”

By the way, a few years after the incident with Aunt Lil, I was already pleased that some people, it turns out, thought about my acne as if it were just mild skin blemishes.

Another task of euphemisms is to slightly ennoble the subject, to cover up the unsightly essence of the matter. Non-profit became non-profit: so that there is no feeling that someone wanted to make money, but got into a puddle. Non-profit - here it is immediately clear that no one expected profit.

But sometimes euphemisms are used to replace words that have absolutely nothing wrong with them: they just seem too common to people. That is why many things that were once given for free, now they give it to you as a gift. If you ask a hotel if they have free newspapers, you will make yourself look like a beggar, but the question: “Newspapers as a gift?” – allows you to maintain a faint shadow of dignity. So now in other hotels they offer guests complimentary continental breakfast, and in others they still give free buns.

If you are interested in considering such euphemisms, then you will find a lot of interesting things in this book. I have divided all the euphemisms into groups, depending on the function they perform in American speech, as well as how important this function is. I say it's a new language because it's definitely new to me; It wasn't like that when I was growing up. And here is my main point: it was better before.

At first I noticed some isolated cases, but I realized that things were bad when I heard how ordinary people called ideas concepts.

I will return to this topic.

Grit, that's what

Imagine that two passenger planes are hurtling toward the ground from a high altitude in a death spin. The first is a British Airways plane full of distinguished diplomats and aristocrats from high society. The second is Alitalia, full of uneducated Sicilian, Greek and Turkish peasants. And while they are flying towards certain death, in which of the planes, in your opinion, will there be louder screams and more colorful prayers, curses and blasphemy? You have one try. Hint: this is not a British plane.

Eye Superblaster: order now

Are your eyes dry and itchy? This can happen to anyone. Don't take risks. Call us right now and order an Eye Superblaster - a special portable device that sprays a stream of hot steam over the eyes and quickly relieves unpleasant symptoms. You just press the button and after 45 minutes the steam at the desired temperature and pressure is ready. For 30–40 minutes, you spray your eyes with a stream of hot steam, then immediately immerse your head in ice water for 15 minutes, then repeat the steam treatment. Repeat the procedure seven times and rest. Do not use the Eye Super Blaster more than 15 times in a 24 hour period. Children under five years of age should only use the Super Eye Blaster under adult supervision. Pets must be tied to a chair before the procedure. The Eye Super Blaster is safe for the elderly. Physician approved, but not ophthalmologist approved. Call now.

Hit me, hit me!

Boxing is a sport where two men, striking each other with a series of powerful blows to the head, strive to ensure that the opponent collapses to the floor unconscious, deprived of the ability to act rationally, defend himself, or even just get up. If one knocks the other down but he is not completely unconscious and not completely helpless, the fight is immediately stopped and the first is told to stand aside until the stunned man musters the strength to stand up and take further beatings, and then collapses to the floor again , this time an absolutely motionless idol. After this, the rivals hug as a sign of respect and friendship.

Remember Uncle John?

Hello Billy. I'm Uncle John. I came to wish you good night. You remember Uncle John, right? That time I took you to the beach and we set fire to the sausage stand and three people burned to death? Was it great? Do you remember how you evaded the police? And they hid in the sewer and Uncle John was covered in poop? And wiped himself with your jacket? Do you remember? And then I took you to a bar, got drunk and puked into the jukebox? And sparks flew from there and a fire started? And everyone around was screaming? Remember, right? Do you remember how they screamed? And how did the ambulances arrive? Was it great?

Do you remember that other time? When did I take you to the circus? Did the lion break out and eat the macaque? Was it great? Did you have to shoot the lion? And the macaques got really sad, so they had to be shot too? Was it great? And then the gymnast fell off the trapeze and crashed into the arena, and they had to shoot him too? Did the rest of the gymnasts become seriously sad and had to be shot too? A? Was it great?

Why are you crying, Billy? Please stop. If you don't cry, I'll take you to the rodeo. Isn't that great? Look, they'll trample someone, or even gore them. You know, they have horses and bulls there. Maybe I'll have to shoot some little horse. Or a bull. And if the bull is shot, maybe we will be lucky enough to eat its meat in hamburgers. Will it be great? Don't cry, okay?

Do you remember how you fell out of my car that time? You were looking out the window, and we were turning the corner at speed so as not to crash into that woman? Did you fly out of the window and hit your head on a pole? And the doctor sewed your head up with a huge needle? Billy, I have a boat now. Do you want to go boating? I promise you, I will row carefully. Are you still awake? Billy? Please stop crying.

Count the extra redundant tautological pleonasms

Dear comrades in struggle, I am addressing you as like-minded people, understanding that you must know the true facts. But let me warn you in advance that the subject and topic of my speech concerns a serious crisis caused by events that happened to me in the past: the shooting and murder of a guard guarding a cargo van. During that period of time, I found myself deeply depressed and making intellectual mistakes that seemed to me to ruin my plans for the future. I'm not exaggerating at all to thicken things up.

I wanted to start everything from scratch, and I decided to visit one of my friends, with whom we shared common goals and who is one of the most unique individuals I have personally met. The final result was an unexpected surprise for me. When I told her again that I wanted to start from scratch, she replied that this was the right way, and also offered a final solution, absolutely ideal.

Based on her own past experience, she concluded that we need to unite together, and only by being in mutual cohabitation 24 hours a day will we find some new incentives. What a breakthrough innovative solution! And as an added bonus, she gave me a free tuna fish. Right away I noticed immediate positive changes for the better. And although my recovery is not yet completely complete, I summarize as a summary that I feel much better and know that I am not a loner who is on my own.

The executor complex

Hey, are you there? It is we who control your existence. We make decisions that affect all of you. Isn’t it funny that puppeteers have the audacity to talk about everything like that? Be patient, fool. We know everything you do, we know where you go and why. What do you think all these cameras are for? And satellite tracking systems? And social security numbers? You belong to us. And there's nothing you can do about it. Write petitions, stand with posters, complain to the courts, vote and send your stupid letters to whomever you write them to - it will not change anything. Because we control your existence. And we have our own plans for you. Well, now go on sleeping.

They came from heaven

You know, I'm saddened - and even a little depressed - by how differently the media treats those who believe in UFOs and those who believe in an invisible supreme being who lives in the sky. Especially if the latter cling to the fairy tale about Christ the Messiah the Son of God.

You may have noticed that in the newspapers and on television, those who are seriously interested in UFOs are usually referred to as amateurs, thus belittling their occupation and classifying it as a hobby. Indeed, they are crazy idiots - they are stupid enough to assume that in the Universe with its trillions and trillions of stars and, probably, hundreds of billions of habitable planets, there are planets inhabited by creatures capable of doing things that we cannot.

Moreover, believers in an omnipotent and eternal being who demands love and unconditional worship, punishes and rewards at his own whim, are considered worthy, honest and trustworthy citizens. And this despite the fact that among them there are an abyss of ignorant fanatics.

For me, there is no less evidence of the existence of UFOs than there is evidence of the existence of God. And even much more. At the very least, we have countless photographs and videos of UFOs from around the world - never explained, by the way - as well as documented radar readings taken by qualified military and civilian specialists.

And I have not yet mentioned the numerous stories of pilots - highly trained professionals who are selected, among other things, for excellent eyesight and mental stability. Let’s not forget about the testimonies of the police, strong and experienced servants. But pilots and police officers are known to everyone as serious, sober people who, in the last place, would like to be known as adherents of delusional theories. Nevertheless, they still report their observations because they are convinced that they saw real objects, and they consider this important.

But journalists don't care about them.

Of course, among those who believe in UFOs, there are some crazy people and holy fools, but just listen to what other “true” believers say! And remember the wild antics and crazy statements of religious fanatics. Shouldn't some of them be considered clinical idiots? In fairness, it should.

But there are marginalized people here and there – this is not an argument in the debate. But the prejudice with which journalists describe these two faiths is an argument. They treat one with respect, present it as a truth sent down to us from above, the other is ridiculed and rejected out of the gate.

To prove my point, I will cite a typical text from the television news that we hear every year on Good Friday:

“Today is Good Friday - Christians all over the world honor it as the day of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who through his death atoned for the sins of mankind.”

And here's how it is should sound:

“Today is Good Friday - Jesus theorists around the world honor it as the day on which this popular cult figure with a beard, sometimes also called Messiah was allegedly crucified on the cross and - as the legend says - died for the so-called sins of humanity. Today, Jesus theorists are beginning to prepare for the holiday of Easter, when, according to widespread belief, the deceased "savior" - who, incidentally, is believed to be the son of an invisible sky-dwelling being known as "God" - mysteriously "resurrected from the dead" "

Legend claims that by voluntarily accepting a violent death, Jesus saved every person who has ever lived on Earth - and everyone who has yet to live. will to live - from eternal suffering in a certain burning space, popularly known as “Hell”. However, as the legend says, in order to avoid torment, the “saved person” must firmly believe in this rather fantastic story.”

Here is an example of unbiased reporting. But don't expect it to appear on air. Aliens will land on Earth sooner.

The future is not what it used to be George Carlin

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Title: The Future Isn't What It Was Before

About the book "The Future Isn't What It Used to Be" by George Carlin

“The Future Isn’t What It Was Before” is a look at the world through the prism of the worldview of the famous American actor, comedian, and talented writer George Carlin. Even after his death, he continues to excite minds. A fierce denouncer of dogma and political correctness, a troublemaker, a cynic, a man who, with his creativity, went through the foundations and values of American democracy like a steamroller. He directed all his strength to fight the System. George Carlin received five Grammy awards, was awarded the Mark Twain Prize, and was nominated for an Emmy four times. Being a convinced atheist, he talentedly played the role of a cardinal in the movie “Dogma”.

Carlin's book is a real slap in the face to a hypocritical society and those in power. The comedian allows himself to laugh out loud at taboo topics, to doubt what we perceive as unshakable truths. The author is merciless. It touches on religion, gender stereotypes, the shaky topic of political correctness, and ridicules politicians, representatives of the media and the institution of family. Nothing escaped his assessment.

The book is written in Carlin's inimitable style and is replete with rather harsh black humor. He sees reality without rose-colored glasses. He harshly and wittily shows that reality and an idealized attitude towards it do not coincide. He debunks the myth of inerrancy that surrounds the modern church, exposing human weaknesses and dependence on public opinion, politicians, television and religion. But despite all this, the real humanism of this man is visible behind the criticism. And against the background of this, the false slogans about the philanthropy of the System appear all the more clearly before us.

We do not recommend reading this work to overly religious, ideological people; many statements can seriously hurt your feelings. If you are free from stereotypes, then feel free to open the book. You will laugh and cry, laugh and be outraged.

It is worth noting that the work “The Future is Not What It Was Before” was translated very correctly. On its pages you will hardly find the swear words with which George Carlin filled his speeches. This loses some of the author’s charisma. Therefore, we recommend that before you start reading, watch a video with the comedian. This way you will get a more holistic impression of his work.

George Carlin opens up a new world for us, in which there is no bigotry, double standards and politically correct lies. With the force of a hurricane, it excites minds, makes us wake up and realize reality.

On our website about books, you can download the site for free without registration or read online the book “The Future Is Not What It Was Before” by George Carlin in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and real pleasure from reading. You can buy the full version from our partner. Also, here you will find the latest news from the literary world, learn the biography of your favorite authors. For beginning writers, there is a separate section with useful tips and tricks, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary crafts.

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GEORGE CARLIN

WHEN WILL JESUS BRING THE PORK CHOPS?

GEORGE CARLIN

THE FUTURE IS NOT WHAT IT BEFORE

Translator Nikolay Mezin

Editor Yulia Bystrova

This book is dedicated to my amazing daughter Kelly:

guardian of sacred DNA, citizen of the world and one of the few Buddhists in America,

really good poker players

Funds for this book came primarily from the starvation of a family of four in Tennessee.

Confessions

I am forever grateful to my editor, Gretchen Young, who endured the final barrage of edits and brought everything together. She also superbly organized a cover for me from the scoundrels at the publishing house, who were jealous of my beautiful teeth and constantly intrigued against me.

To my roommate, cutie Sarah Jane: I love you.

Of course, the people do not want to fight. But, in the end, politics is determined by those in power, and the people will easily go wherever they are driven, even under democracy, even under a fascist dictatorship, even under parliamentarism, even under the communists. Whether they vote or not, people can always be swayed to do what the rulers want. It's simple. You just need to say that the enemy is preparing to attack, and shut up the pacifists, declaring that they do not love their homeland and are abandoning it in trouble. (HERMANN GOERING AT THE NUREMBERG TRIAL)

Everyone's tears are the same. (ONE IRISH WOMAN)

There is absolutely no time. And absolutely nothing to do. (OSCAR LEVANT)

Our main responsibility is to have fun. (SYDNEY J. PERELMAN)

A new day has come. So we need to play. (SALLY WADE)

Preface

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her. This is what infuriates me - the fact that I have to be left behind.

My advice: move forward without stopping. So every time you find yourself in a new place.

George's Celebration Message

THANK YOU NOTE

On the occasion of the release of his new book, “The Future Isn't What It Used to Be,” I would like to wish the author good luck, and let the readers know that in the role of my representative and personal assistant - hired to refute rumors about my same-sex marriage and subsequent divorce from Sir Elton's dog John, and also that I would soon become a father - George Carlin did not give me any trouble and conscientiously carried out assignments, although he was often late, justifying himself with all sorts of nonsense like “other things to do.”

Regardless, I'm proud that one of my men - you, Mr. Carlin - didn't disappoint me the way fried tuna often does. And by the way - since we're talking about food after all - please let me know when those pork ribs finally arrive. We will eat them reverently and wash them down with a glass of good wine.

Modern man

I'm a modern guy, digital, non-smoker;

I'm from the new millennium.

Multifaceted, multicultural, postmodernist, deconstructionist;

politically, anatomically, ecologically incorrect.

Relayed and downloaded, input and deleted. High precision with low thoughts.

Advanced, top-class, all-wheel drive, multi-tasking; I give out a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm from the new wave, but old school;

and my inner kinder loves external connections.

I'm an energized, heat-seeking, soft-hearted cracker;

I'm looping through binary data; I send tasks to the global network;

I am interactive and hyperactive, and at times radioactive.

At the tail of the table, at the head of events, I fly on the wave, dodge arrows, push the boundaries.

Flip through the book

About the book
About the author
Reviews (3)
Reviews

Quote

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her.

When your toilet is leaking and you put your hand in the tank,
to adjust the valve, doesn't it occur to you,
just for a moment that the water in the tank has already been in the toilet?

In the future they will build a time machine,
but no one will have time to use it.

George Carlin

What is the book “The Future Is Not What It Was” about?

The author, with his characteristic “dark” humor and insight, debunks the myths and cults that are firmly rooted in the consciousness of modern man, and gives a slap in the face to the hypocritical American society and those in power. His merciless gaze does not miss anything: religious dogmas, gender stereotypes, politically correct newspeak, mass culture, politics, the institution of the family are examined without “rose-colored glasses” - with sarcasm and impartiality. Brutally and wittily revealing the contradictions between reality and people’s idealized idea of it, Karlin exposes the weakness of modern man, dependent on the state, church, mass media and “public opinion.”

Why The Future Is Not What It Was Worth Reading

The first book by the cult author, who has earned a reputation as a “trampler of foundations” and a fighter against the system, published in Russian;
The author reveals to the reader a “new America”, cleared of politically correct husk, religious bigotry and double standards
A brilliant and witty book in which, in addition to harshly ridiculing social vices masquerading as virtues, the topic of euphemisms in American English and their influence on cultures is perfectly explored;
Being an atheist and anticlerical, the author, with his characteristic sarcasm and observation, destroys the halo of infallibility that surrounds the church today, accusing it of hypocrisy, the desire for power and selfish aspirations.

Who is the author

George Carlin (1937-2008) — American actor, comedian, writer. Author of 5 books and more than 20 music albums, starred in 16 films. Winner of five Grammy Awards and the Mark Twain Award, four-time Emmy Award nominee. A bully, a spiteful critic and a misanthrope... with many admirers all over the world.

Video presentation of the book

Key Concepts

Review of the book “The Future Is Not What It Was Before”

I read the book of the satirist-terrorist George Carlin, laughing out loud, and from time to time I frowned with pleasant indignation. This is the first satirical book I've read, and I'm even a little glad that I got acquainted with real American satire, funny in its rudeness. ...

Editor Yu. Bystrova

Project Manager I. Seregina

Corrector M. Milovidova

Computer layout E. Sentsova, Y. Yusupova

Cover designer I. Yuzhanina

Published with permission from Hyperion. Originally published as When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? Hyperion, USA

This book is dedicated to my amazing daughter Kelly: keeper of the sacred DNA, citizen of the world, and one of the few Buddhists in America who is truly good at playing poker.

Funds for this book came primarily from the starvation of a family of four in Tennessee.

Confessions

I am forever grateful to my editor, Gretchen Young, who endured the final barrage of edits and brought everything together. She also superbly organized a cover for me from the scoundrels at the publishing house, who were jealous of my beautiful teeth and constantly intrigued against me.

To my roommate, cutie Sarah Jane: I love you.

Of course, the people do not want to fight. But, in the end, politics is determined by those in power, and the people will easily go wherever they are driven, even under democracy, even under a fascist dictatorship, even under parliamentarism, even under the communists. Whether they vote or not, people can always be swayed to do what the rulers want. It's simple. You just need to say that the enemy is preparing to attack, and shut up the pacifists, declaring that they do not love their homeland and are abandoning it in trouble.

– Hermann Goering at the Nuremberg Trials

Everyone's tears are the same.

- one Irish woman

There is absolutely no time. And absolutely nothing to do.

– Oscar Levant

Our main responsibility is to have fun.

– Sydney J. Perelman

A new day has come. So we need to play.

– Sally Wade

Preface

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her. This is what infuriates me - the fact that I have to stay behind.

My advice: move forward without stopping. So every time you find yourself in a new place.

George's Celebration Message

Thank you note

From the office of Pegasus-Coker Wade

What are you looking at?

Modern man

I'm a modern guy
digital, non-smoking;
I'm from the new millennium.
Multifaceted, multicultural,
postmodernist, deconstructionist;
politically, anatomically, ecologically incorrect.
Rebroadcast and downloadable,
input and deleted.
High precision with low thoughts.
Advanced, extra class,
all-wheel drive, multi-tasking;
I give out a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I'm from the new wave, but old school;
and my inner kinder loves external connections.
I'm energized, heat-seeking,
soft-hearted cracker;
I work with voices that decompose into organic matter.
I'm looping through binary data;
I send tasks to the global network;
I'm interactive and hyperactive,
and at times radioactive.
At the tail of the table, at the head of events,
I'm flying on the wave, dodging arrows,
I'm pushing the limits.
I stand my ground, I stay on track, I stay afloat,
I'm not sitting on anything:
no coke, no speed - no nonsense;
and there’s no desire to drink and vomit.
At a pace, on the edge,
above the roof, but below the radar.
High profile, low profile,
strategic nuclear so-this-carrier.
Smart bomb on your mind.
Star bastard.
Folding cart chaser,
admirer of pretty girls, recipient of high visas.
Absolutely indefinite, seasoned, cannon-firing.
Proactive with wide coverage.
A raging workaholic who vehemently hates work;
not in the clinic, but in refusal.
There is a personal trainer,
personal assistant,
personal shopper,
personal planner.
You can't squeeze me
and you won’t be pushed aside.
After all, I am groovy, wireless.
Alpha male on beta blockers.
I don't buy promises
and good beyond expectation;
I run the hustle and follow fashion.
The soul is wide open, I myself am in seclusion;
modest rent, capricious care.
I am large-scale, long-term,
precision, instant action,
ready to go, fault tolerant.
On the step, unsteady at the knees, weak in the head;
prematurely post-traumatic,
receiving hate mail from the fruit of his love.
But I'm sensitive, caring,
I am responsive, sympathetic.
Reliable, loyal, caring,
I always provide first aid.
My productivity has dropped, but my income has increased
on short sales of long securities;
the influx of income brought cash turnover.
I don’t erase dubious letters
I don’t shun questionable food,
I don’t shy away from dubious bonds
and watch low-grade shows.
Gender sensitive, capital intensive,
easy to use hypolactosic.
I love rough sex and wicked love.
I write “e-mine” in e-mails.
There is no soft porn on my hard drive:
only the most hardcore software.
I bought a microwave in a supermarket.
And the minivan is in the megastore.
I drive slowly and eat fast food.
I'm excise-free, easy-to-bite, ready-to-wear,
All sizes available.
Equipped with everything, with the factory mark,
tested on humans, clinically approved,
scientifically proven medical miracle.
Planted, cooked, heated,
pre-screened, pre-selected, assembled,
post-dated, sublimated, sealed,
in vacuum packaging.
And... I have unlimited broadband.
The boy is a bully, but if you get the hang of it, you can't go wrong.
Poor and shabby.
In any weather, on alert;
reckless, dodgy, grated roll.
I go with the flow without unnecessary zeal;
I grow with the tide, I glide as I go.
I'm floundering, I'm spinning, I'm not sitting down,
I'm enjoying myself and I'm working, I'm grinding and I'm fine.
I don't play magic, which means I don't lose.
I'm drowning a piece of iron
for the entire trip.
I have a party, but for lunch I have sausage.
I am again for my own sake, and nothing else.
That's the only way.
End of transmission.

Euphemisms: already a whole newspeak

By the way, a few years after the incident with Aunt Lil, I was already pleased that some people, it turns out, thought about my acne as if it were just mild skin blemishes.

At first I noticed some isolated cases, but I realized that things were bad when I heard how ordinary people called ideas concepts.

I will return to this topic.

Grit, that's what

Eye Superblaster: order now

Hit me, hit me!

Remember Uncle John?

Count the extra redundant tautological pleonasms

The executor complex

They came from heaven

But journalists don't care about them.

To prove my point, I will cite a typical text from the television news that we hear every year on Good Friday:

“Today is Good Friday - Christians all over the world honor it as the day of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who through his death atoned for the sins of mankind.”

And here's how it is should sound:

Here is an example of unbiased reporting. But don't expect it to appear on air. Aliens will land on Earth sooner.